insomnia

what the actual hell is this insomnia stuff?  if the body is tired, why won't it just sleep?  is it because the mind is too active?  i thought the mind was super active during sleep, consolidating memories in REM sleep and all that.  i thought that if you were ruminating when you fell asleep, your brain would churn on it all night while you slept.  doesn't it seem like there shouldn't be any force that can compel your brain to ignore the need for sleep, and that it should just be like, okay, time for sleep, oh, looks like you're busy churning on something? okay, i'll bring that along, we'll keep thinking about it during sleep.  maybe there's a different part of the brain that's chewing on ideas in the awake-but-still-subconscious mind than whatever takes hold during sleep.  maybe there's some sort of internal hierarchy that we don't know about, where the brain is like, no, i'm not ready to pass these ideas to the latter (the sleeping brain)?  but how can it go on so long?  it's insane!

and what about the physical, bodily, internal repair processes that are supposed to be happening in deep sleep?  how can the body not prioritize that stuff enough to say, hey, you know what brain/body?  all these mental goings-on, they're going to have to go on pause.  it's time for some tissue repair.  or whatever.  why isn't that happening?  ugh.  it's easy to think the body has all this wisdom and knows how to heal itself, so it'll just do it.  but what does modern (especially chronic) disease tell us about that?  this process goes awry so often.  what is this?  i know trauma plays a big role in a lot of disease processes.  of course.  but whereas a chronic disease, like autoimmune disease, is the body kind of turning against and attacking itself, there doesn't seem to be a competitive relationship there like there is between the two parts of the brain in insomnia.  if the not-asleep-rumination part of the brain is saying, no, i get this time, it's more active than a sort of bodily neglect.  not that autoimmune disease feels like neglect so much as assault.  maybe they're more similar than i realize.  hmmm.

some people have written that when the body acts out in these ways, it's because we've stopped really listening to our emotions, that we've missed the subtler cues of our needs, and now the body is shouting for our attention.  maybe in that sense it really is more like insomnia.  maybe if the insomnia brain is saying, no, really, i need you to listen to me, maybe that's what needs to happen.  but how can i do that more effectively?  what am i not hearing?  what perspective changes are needed?  how can i make sense of this?  if i could tell myself, okay, the body has wisdom, i need to trust it.  if i think of it like a garden, where, i never need to tell the flowers how to bloom or find the sun, but only need to provide the right conditions and then they will thrive, and to think about the ecosystem as a whole, well, then, what parts of the ecosystem am i missing here?  maybe i'm making a problem where there isn't one.  maybe the insomnia is painful, but moving through any healing or growing process is painful, and i need to accept it and move on and quit complaining about it, and just make the best of it?  i don't know.  but there's still a part of me that feels that i should be paying closer attention, doing something differently.  it can be easy in our busy and chaotic lives to just tune out.  it doesn't seem wrong for me to now want to be tuning in ever more closely.

but maybe i'm tuning in to the wrong things.  maybe i am just watching the visible contents of my mind (the rumination) and not doing enough digging into what it reveals, and what my brain wants me working on is what it's trying to reveal from the rumination.

right now my rumination mostly has revolved around my therapist (L) and our relationship and the therapy process.  i just wonder, though, if at times i just have too many unanswered questions for L that i need to ask HER, and i'm of course going to hit a wall just sitting around pondering, b/c i don't have the answers to questions that relate to her and how this whole therapy thing is going to go.  so part of me thinks, as soon as we have more therapy, i will get sufficient time to ask those questions, and a lot of this will resolve.  right?  but what if there's more that can be revealed, to me, by the nature of these questions, and my brain is telling me i don't want to miss it?

if i start at the obvious, a lot of my thoughts with her really revolve around intensity of feeling, and how once someone gets inside my heart, they never leave.  never.  it's not possible.  i know i can't really lean into the vulnerability that's needed for therapy to "work" if i can't let myself get super attached, and that's understandably frightening.  if i let myself get super close, and then therapy is over one day, then it feels like i've lost an elder.  L says she is open to us maintaining connection, but what does that mean, and what will that look like?  i guess that's when i can feel a bit silly, b/c i don't usually ask that of relationships when they're beginning.  i don't usually make knowing this a prerequisite of getting close.  it must be that the thought of getting closer to someone who is like an elder or parental figure and then having it end in loss feels more threatening than anything.  but the truth is that one day, L will die.  it's not possible for me to get close to her and not one day lose her.  so why am i doing this to myself?  this is the nature of human relationships.  we are mortal.  we lose people we love.  it just happens.  it would be tragic if we let that stop us from having deep connections, if we just clench ourselves shut at the fear of loss.  so i don't want to do that, clearly.

and anyway, how much fun is it to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly talking to you about their insecurities about your relationship?  at a certain point, you are like, geez, am i not doing enough to reassure you?  am i not being good enough to you?  do i need to be doing more?  i don't want L to be thinking these things, or feeling insecure herself about whether she's doing enough or being enough, or has the skill as a therapist that it takes to really "reach" me.  she's so clearly reached me.  maybe i just need to show her that.  and embrace my courageous side and lean into that.  wouldn't that be more satisfying to both of us?  maybe i'm still clinging to doubts that she's ready for someone like me.  someone with this much intensity, this much inner turmoil, this much, everything.  maybe on some level i do still doubt her.  and that's when i realize that she has a lot of wisdom in cautioning me to try to take everything in therapy slowly.  i just don't have a lot of skill at modulating this stuff inside of me.  it's like the time i drove that mid-engine sports car, and every time i'd take off from a stop when the light would turn green, i'd inadvertently burst forward, b/c i didn't have the skill to gradually lower the accelerator to the floor.  it took training of the tiny muscles in my ankle to learn to do that, and for a while it was a lot of jumpy-zoomy stuff.  i feel like my brain and emotions are like that.  but if i could, somehow, modulate all of this a bit better, if i could more slowly lean into the relationship with L, then maybe i could let the evidence of her ability to handle me and her willingness to be there for me really filter in, slowly, gradually, in a way that the doubts would naturally subside.  there could be a pacing that would be ideal.  i just don't know how to find that pacing or let myself align with it.  so, yeah...

maybe all the fears of rejection and loss and heartbreak are inevitable parts of this process the way i'm unavoidably moving through it.  maybe the insomnia is partly me just trying to process the intensity of all of this.  maybe there's more there, too.  maybe i'm also afraid of what comes next as i move into a closer, more trusting relationship with L.  maybe i'm afraid of what i have to share, and the pain i may have to revisit.  i like the NARM ideas of not just barreling into the pain, but moving through it gently and slowly in the supportive context of the therapeutic relationship so it doesn't overwhelm me.  that seems like away to reassure myself it's not going to be too much.  but maybe i'm not even that scared of revisiting stuff, who can say.  at times i think to myself, no, i revisit this stuff in my own mind all the time.  i just normally have to do it alone.  and now, for once, i'll have a "parent" there to receive and let me feel seen in my pain.  i think so often that i just have a lot of pent-up tears that have never been cried, that i just need to let out of my body.  sometimes i think that this is what i'm supposed to do in therapy, just let those out.  i think part of me does fear that her approach is going to not let me let them out.  but as soon as i say it, that seems silly.  she wouldn't want me to stuff another single thing back inside.  i know that.  i think part of why the therapy process is terrifying to me is the unknown of it all.  not knowing how this will look.  maybe once we start in-person therapy, i'll get used to it a bit more and then i'll know more what to expect and it won't feel so mysterious and scary.  who knows.

but i so clearly need to get my butt into her office more than once every two weeks.  i do hope that's something we can talk about when i see her this week.

i wonder if all clients find themselves so triggered by the therapeutic relationship itself?  somehow i think not, b/c i feel like L and i have a very unusual bond.  i think this is something i'm afraid to let myself believe, actually.  i think that a part of me thinks that the extent to which i am finding myself drawing close is mostly reflective of how challenging the work is that we're doing together.  i really, really believe it's more than that.  but that's what i fear she believes.  maybe i should just ask her.  it feels hard to ask about this, though, without it feeling like i'm asking her to tell me that i'm more special to her than her other clients.  and that can feel a bit weird, like i'm getting jealous, lol.

well, i'm finally getting sleepy again, wow, yay!  i guess i think it's good that i did more of this pondering through the active process of moving my fingers on the keyboard than just lying in bed feeling restless, and maybe that will help me sleep better?  but as i end this to hopefully sleep soundly the rest of the night (:: fingers crossed ::) it becomes apparent to me that there is SOOOO much more here, so much more bubbling underneath, so many more questions, fears, confusions.  maybe it's good to realize this, to think, the insomnia is warranted, even if very painful and challenging.  i hate sleep deprivation so very much.  it's even harder without being able to have caffeine the next day.  maybe i need to make myself journal about this more, as ridiculous as it might seem to sit around obsessing about my therapist.  maybe since my brain is doing it anyway, i need to not judge it and just be curious about it.  at least i get to see her in a few days, and then, if i have the courage, i'll be able to bring up some of the questions i have, and then i won't feel sort of stuck with the same questions zipping around my mind like a pinball machine.  yeah, a pinball machine.  that's what my brain feels like.  luckily one that's now getting unplugged for the rest of the night.

grappling with inner children

it seems like i should be reassured by the fact that there are actually all these inner children / inner selves inside of me, that are responsible for all the more challenging things i experience on an ongoing basis.  they're the ones that are stuck, sad, confused, broken, crying out for healing, and i'm supposed to be able to muster compassion for them and then they heal.  or whatever.

but why do i just get the sneaking suspicion that i already have tons of empathy and compassion for them, to the point it will be hard to have any more?

i used to have this theory (and i still believe it) that no one does anything they think is wrong.  they do things that they think others believe to be wrong, but that they, for one reason or another, believed was okay to do.  even if they don't like the outcome, like, let's say, it hurt someone they care about.  they still believed that it was the thing to do, and just feel sad about it later.  we can look at it in terms of impulsivity, perhaps, like, someone is driven to take quick action and at that moment in time they are not aware of or just not thinking about the full range of consequences of said action.  but then, that's acting from a place of (albeit temporary, perhaps state-induced) ignorance.

i think that this can mesh with Lieberman's theory that our self concept is really just built out of what we believe others believe about us.  so, we may not think what we did was wrong, but we know others do, so then we feel shame, and it feels like we think it about ourselves, that we think we were wrong.  but i just don't think you can bring yourself to take action if you think it was wrong.

i think that this ties into this idea of having compassion for my inner children.  a lot of the literature is trying to convince me i need to have more empathy for the inner selves.  and if i do that, if i can think differently about them, i will treat them better, help them meet their needs in a healthy and constructive way that doesn't damage the rest of me, and then presto blammo like magic i am healed.  i'm being a bit snarky, perhaps, b/c clearly there's no literature that pretends trauma healing is quick or easy or simple.

but it's just hard for me to feel that i need to be convinced to think more highly of myself.  i do think so highly of myself.  i think i have a pretty reasonable self-image.  i really, really do.  i mean, i don't even feel i blame myself for my shortcomings.  i can see the threads that trace back to causality (as i understand it, limited though that may be) and i can see, oh, right, this is how we get here.  it makes sense.  having lived my life as i have, i know very well that i have put my best efforts and energy to the task of being and becoming, and this is what i managed.  there's very little value in thinking, oh, if only i'd tried harder.  what's the point of that kind of thinking?  i mean, i was trying my best.  and when it wasn't *technically* my best, that was because i didn't have more energy to muster.  it's like, sure, we can sprint really fast, but if you're running a marathon, there's no criticism to be had that you didn't sprint the whole way.  or even if, during the inevitable exhaustion of the marathon, you had an area where you might have benefited from sprinting but found yourself too exhausted to do so.  you weren't running at 100% of your top speed, but you can't always.  at that moment, 40% of your potential may be what you're capable of.  at that moment, that is your best.

there are other ways that, when i think about myself, maybe simple due to familiarity, i think the way that i am is the best.  i sometimes see my hands in photographs and i think, wow, my hands are so graceful and attractive looking.  i don't even think, based on most of what i see of what is chosen when hands are featured in ads and whatnot, that my hands fit any kind of social stereotypes for ideal hands.  but when i see my hands, i feel such a warmth and happiness and appreciation of them.  when i see my hands as i interact with E in videos, i think, wow, how lucky my child is to have those hands be the hands that interact with her.  i mean, this is just one tiny example.

it's this way, though perhaps to a lesser extent, with the way my brain works.  i'll be sitting in class or in whatever situation, and i can just tell that my ability to think creatively and divergently is just always present.  i don't know how i can be the only one at times with such thoughts.  i can see, okay, wow, i have these tremendous strengths.  and i see them as strengths.  i really impress myself at times (when i'm not comparing myself unfavorably to others, of course) and this isn't one of those things i'm especially self-conscious about.  i have so much confidence in the power of my brain.  it is just so reliable at what it does.  but here's where i guess i think the problems come in.  no one seems to enjoy my talents.  it's like, i might be a person who can think of all these great rebuttals during a philosophy class, to whatever the professor is talking about.  but while half the class seems to be interested only in memorizing the material for the upcoming tests, i am deeply fascinated with the process of thinking about all of it, and turning it around in my mind to find holes and points for tangents.  i find the process enjoyable and exhilarating.  i feel like i'm in my element.  that fun seems to be the very reason that the stuff was thought up and written about in the first place.  and now i'm engaging in that very same way, picking up the thread they laid down, and isn't this what it's all about?  but it's almost like, as i get sucked into that enjoyment, others around me are not simultaneously being sucked in.  they aren't joining me.  they're like, meh.  and so while i can recognize it as a superpower, it doesn't also feel valued by others.

so then the question is, well, if others don't value it, and i've felt this throughout my whole life, does this diminish my own ability to value it in myself?  i'm not sure it has had that effect.  it's almost like the compulsion to use and stretch and maneuver my brain is just way too powerful, too incredibly motivating.  concepts like completion and mastery motivation really connect for me.  i really do enjoy this way of using my brain far too much for it to be vulnerable to others' opinions.  of course, i supposed that the insidious effects CAN be that at a certain point, people can seem to think this is arrogance, and want to take me down a notch, and then they want to really reiterate to me that i'm not the smartest person in the world.  like a superpower is only a superpower if there's no one else with a stronger superpower?  what?  that's not how it works.  the world seriously needs all of our superpowers.  if on the 5 levels of giftedness, i am right on the cusp of 4 and 5 (which is my best guess), then the brain talents that belong to all of those in the long tail of the 5s, well, they're not just off the charts relative to average, they're still off the charts relative to me.  that's pretty amazing.  i mean, i will never be like that.  that's fine.  i don't need to be what they are.  i am what i am.  and what i am is already pretty amazing in its own way.  just like i don't think that people who are closer to average are lacking in amazingness.  i mean, i think the entirety of the animal kingdom is amazing.  human beings are amazingly complicated.  all of us.  no matter where on the bell curve we fall.  but i suppose it can be easy to, at times, internalize the messages of those who are just intent on taking a person like me down a notch, and i can definitely become preoccupied with what i'm NOT capable of, instead of just using what i AM capable of as a great starting point for what's next.

but i still don't think that means that i fail to value what i have.  in some ways, that can even intensify my valuing of it.  like when a resource suddenly appears far more scarce than you'd previously realized or thought of it, and now you treasure it and protect it.

i'm sort of wondering, does the stuff Lieberman says about the MPFC, does giftedness affect that stuff?  do gifted people have a better resistance to some forms of internalization of others' values?  or, whoa, what if we are more prone to internalizing values of those more gifted than we are (at whatever thing it may be) but when it comes to emotions, just raw emotions, those can come from any direction, even those less gifted, because they are not something that is limited or diminished in gifted people, but actually enhanced?  i don't feel like i'm articulating my thought here very well.  i'm wondering if maybe the sense of rejection is felt more keenly, but the determination to appreciate one's brain is simultaneously enhanced?  so as a gifted person is continually pushed toward ever greater love for and appreciation of their brainpower and talents, then the emotional stuff, the rejection in the face of it, is felt ever more keenly?

and what is this thing where gifted people feel emotions so much more strongly?  it can seem so unfair!  i wonder if people with far lesser giftedness actually have easier, mellower lives, and therefore they can be more inadvertently cruel b/c the things they share are not meant to wound so deep b/c they can't conceive of how deeply they can be wounded?  it makes me think, whoa, what if we actually secretly coexist with all kinds of life forms that are actually significantly more advanced than us, maybe some animals are (and we don't know it) and maybe some very tiny things are (but we have no way to detect this is so, or maybe even to detect their presence at all?) and if we are too flippant and careless and they're being deeply wounded.  what about all those little protoconsciousness particles that are like little fairy spirits that people think you commune with when your brain is exposed to DMT?  what if they're the ones who are offended?  this is crazy talk, perhaps, but maybe less something i think is factually true than something i could see being an interesting storyline added to my evolution / DNA sci-fi story idea.

so many thoughts around all of this.  i just didn't realize until so very recently just how important the giftedness stuff really was, or how much it played into my experiences in and of the world.  and so now i just keep finding myself wanting to figure out all the missed connections, all the lines i never drew.  well, i better go return to parenting.

more money for more therapy

i am doing every-other-week therapy right now but i really want to start doing it weekly.  it's going to cost me an additional $500/mo to do so.

i have just asked my dad to please consider funding half of my therapy.  i think i thought i could never ask him, but then it occurred to me that sometimes people feel that their life holds value if they can find some sort of purpose and so you never know if giving in some way is going to be fulfilling to them.  all this while i have complained at / on behalf of him for continuing to give-give-give to these orphans he's taken under his wing at that property he calls the ranch, where they take-take-take and don't respect him at all, but i never asked him to give to me instead.  i just felt resentful.  but here i've said, okay, here's a way you can contribute to your grandbaby's life.  he always wants to give gifts.  so many gifts.  it almost always makes me feel sad b/c he keeps trying to find ways to show he cares by giving material things, and we don't want material things.  so i tell him to stop giving us things, but it means he doesn't have a way to show he cares.  especially with the pandemic, he's always at arm's length.  so i figured maybe if i ask him to help in this way, he can finally feel like there's something he's giving that's being received and appreciated.  it also occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, he will now have a fire lit under his ass to hold those tenants to account.  to say to them, no, you won't get away with not paying me this month, i need this money for my daughter to get therapy, i need my grandbaby to have a whole parent, and that means she needs therapy.  and i won't let you take that away from her.  and he can embrace his papa bear.  if he can't stick up for himself, maybe this will give him purpose and allow him to stick up for me and his grandbaby.  maybe.  just maybe.

on the other hand, it may be interpreted as cruel.  that when our household brings in significantly more income than he does, in retirement, it isn't fair for us to ask for such a financial contribution.  i mean, it's possible he'll see it this way.  i have no idea.  but i'm hopeful it won't be this latter way.

regardless of how he construes it, the fact is, he may not be able to make it happen.  and if that is the case, i need to find a way to bring in either $500/mo on a regular basis, or find a few projects where i can earn some lump sums to add up.  maybe for now i don't even need to think about the whole future that stretches before me, but only need to try to figure out the next year.  which is $6000.  it's not THAT much money.  i feel like i should be able to raise that amount of money.

so sometimes brainstorming and thinking "aloud" (typing it out) can be helpful.  so that's what i want to do.

i first had the idea that it's probably time for me to develop my curriculum for the parenting classes.  it's something i want to start doing, and while i initially envisioned it as something i would do for free for a period of time, to get my bearings, i wonder how i would feel about actually starting out by charging for it, but not charging that much.  i mean, let's say i had 10 participants and they each paid $100 for the 10-week class (or maybe i can abbreviate it to 6 weeks, which i've thought about doing in the past, or maybe even 8 weeks, to make it an even 2 months), well, that would be $1000 in 6-10 weeks.  this way, i'm not charging very much, so i can feel less anxious about whether i've really got my bearings.  this would be enough to fund therapy entirely, if i could pull it off.  there are a lot of contingencies, though.  like, whether i get enough people (which requires me to advertise, which is certainly not easy).  it's also not something i can hit the ground running with.  i need to develop the curriculum.  i need to think about it carefully.  i want to be so very thoughtful about how i put it together.  i want to remember what i thought did and didn't work about pacing in the 10-week class, and also we can't do break-out group activities, so some stuff will be different.  and i need to think about whether we want to reserve a segment for (essentially) a support group format, as i do feel that parents who show up with so much intention and desire to parent more thoughtfully are going to want a chance to discuss their specific challenges, and so we need to leave space for that.  so much to think about.

another possibility is to start doing some web design / programming work.  this feels just as challenging to figure out how to find clients for.  i just have no idea how to advertise.  i don't really want to take on a ton of projects, i want JUST the right amount of work so that i can do a minimal amount of work that i actually have time for on top of parenting.  that seems like it'll be a challenging balance to strike.  so i will have to be careful.  i don't think i want to get roped into long-term site maintenance.  i've already seen what a beast that can be with the NC. 

i've also had the thought that maybe i could do some handiwork for folks around the 'hood.  i'd only be able to really do it on weekends, most likely, but it might be kind of fun.  this might be a little easier to advertise since i could use nextdoor.  maybe i could even help folks with some gardening and pruning and whatnot.  that might actually be a great option.  it might be nice to be outdoors and working in the dirt.  well, at least when it's not too hot...  :\

those are my ideas so far.  i was sorta hoping that once i started to articulate those ideas that more new stuff would occur to me.  the only really new thoughts i had during this writing were the possibility of an 8-wk parenting class and the idea of not only doing handiwork but also gardening stuff.  i guess that's not nothing.  but seems like a lot of journaling only for those two tiny ideas.

random journaling

well, this is certainly a different therapy experience than i've had before.  in the past i am usually a bit meh about my therapists and don't feel they understand me (and probably don't really believe they care about me that much) and they don't feel like they're reaching into my life outside of the sessions.  i never felt strongly compelled to get to therapy, and often felt like it was happening too often and it was hard to make it to sessions reliably, or even if i did make it, it felt burdensome.

now, here i am in therapy and i can't get enough.  i'm getting insanely attached to my therapist.  it's a bit confusing b/c what i just heard in my current audiobook yesterday about fragmented selves was saying that this excessive attachment, neediness, clinginess, almost obsession, it is a sign of a certain type of pathology and dysfunction.  i just struggle to think of my connection to L as being made up only of trauma responses.  it feels like it just cheapens the relationship.  and what about from her perspective?  i mean, what if you find yourself with a client who is really intensely "into" you but only for a spell when their dysfunction is being badly triggered, then all that intensity dies out, i mean, how does that affect a person?

she's a person, and this work is clearly meaningful to her, and she cares about me (in a way that it genuinely feels no therapist before has cared) and the way that i am, what i give, what i take, how i show up, all these many ways, can make my presence in her life be enriching or draining.  she told me not to worry about her feelings, that i don't have to take care of her.  but that just seems wrong to me.  how can we be in a relationship and i don't need to demonstrate my caring by trying to be thoughtful about how my presence in her life is affecting her?  i guess i just don't have any other template for a meaningful relationship and i'm not sure i want to.  i don't want to settle into some sort of selfish and all-about-me way of interacting with anyone.  plus, the longer i know her, the more it feels like i want this to be a real relationship, not just a therapy experience.

but i do also realize that this is connecting to all the feelings and memories i have around J (high school spanish teacher) because i keep thinking to myself, oh, it's like that, it's happening again.  i spent a very long time in relationship to J where we had to maintain a relationship where we kept a careful distance, where she had to be somewhat "professional" b/c she was my teacher and i was a young kid (i didn't really realize just how young i was at the time, but, wow, i was really just such a baby)!  and for a reasonably long time, she kept me at arm's length while extending as much kindness as she could that felt appropriate to the context.  but then, in time, she started to realize i was a really remarkable person and i burst into her heart in this way that drew us close.

suddenly i wasn't just a needy little kid wanting my teacher's attention as i dealt with hard times.  we were friends.  we were such very close friends.  and we learned so much from one another, it wasn't just one-way.  it was such a very special friendship, and just transcended all the normal ideas about what human relationships look like.  i don't think i've ever felt the same about my life since i lost her.  it's hard to look back at my life and not wonder how i could just go and leave GA like that, and try to take some of the blame.  but setting that aside, i think that at the time i just knew that this is what friendship can (and should) look like and anything short of that was cheap and hollow and shallow and pointless.

when you go through your life with so few people you genuinely connect with, with so few people who can see inside of you to all your nuances and really "get" what you're about, the need becomes that much more acute.  i just keep thinking to myself, if people like this were easier to find, then the need on my end wouldn't be so, well... desperate.  i walk around the world feeling desperate.  lonely.  like i'm another species and there just aren't that many others of my species.  i try to explain to A why i don't feel that relationships with dogs and cats are really very rewarding.  it's like, there may be some tenderness, but there's no meeting of the minds.  there's no psychic connection to all the inner pieces, all the dimensions that make you who you are.  the pets don't know you.  they need you, and you may even need them, but they don't know you, and can't validate or take interest in anything that moves you or drives you or is meaningful to you.  and this is how i feel about relationships with most people.  (yeah, i just compared the rest of the human species to dogs, wow).

well, can't continue this now...

pg. 47 intergenerational trauma workbook

What do you say to yourself about your limitations or what you think you can achieve?

Partly that I wish I had wasted less time in my earlier years drinking, when I might have been accomplishing something, and now I'm short on time, and that means I feel that every moment is precious now and it's a bit too hard to feel this way, b/c now I feel the loss of time more acutely, so that makes it even harder to be relaxed about having the ability to do something worthwhile with my life.  I think I also wish I'd been stronger in this relationship, strong enough to resist the drinking, that wasn't a major part of my life before.  I think sometimes I may have tiny twinges of resentment at A for this.

I also think that while I have a highly skilled mind, it's a bit like a complicated machine that I never fully learned to best operate.  And I blame that on a substandard education, and a lack of appropriate support and guidance.  And I wonder if I can catch up.  I definitely feel that even if brains remain plastic throughout life, I don't have the same advantages a young person has, and I have all these difficult habits to break around how I use my brain.  And anxiety that makes things hard, too.

I think that in theory I could really accomplish almost anything, if I had enough time.  I think that I am especially capable of doing something great and interesting, but I would definitely have to (1) stay focused and (2) have enough time.  I feel that the interest in psychology, esp. developmental and social psychology, are now proving to be sustained interests I will not lose, but without a clear path to follow, I could end up not going deep enough to make any real difference for anyone, anywhere, and just die with a ton of knowledge I never put to use, and that seems like it would be a real shame.  But it's not the only shame.  It will also feel like a shame if I don't get to do all of the many other things I'm so interested in.  So how do I find a way to split my time between all my interests such that I feel fulfilled in all of these things?  I don't want to stop learning about woodworking, sewing, painting, sculpting, or give up the color project, or fail to be an amazing unschooling parent, and find time for play in my life, and singing, and writing fun little musicals together as a family, and everything I care about.  But at a certain point it can feel like I'm too scattered.  And then I can come back to the old, "if only I had more time" and then the remorse kicks back in.

What do you you say to yourself about how others see you?

I honestly don't know much about how others see me.  I think some people see me as being hyper and spastic, and I tell myself this is from my anxiety and twitchiness in some cases, and from my excitability and manic energy in others.

Some people see me as too much.  That I offer too much intensity, too many words, just too much.  I am starting to tell myself this is because I'm different from most other people, and most people just don't understand me and can't handle it b/c their brains are not like mine and it doesn't make sense and it's exhausting and overwhelming for them.

But mostly I don't think most people think much about me at all.  I can think to myself a lot, if only people knew how much cool stuff I do, how much I'm capable of, all the things I think, how much I care, all the things I invent and create, if only people knew me for all that I am, maybe people would think I'm worth a closer look.  But then sometimes I don't think people do really want to know someone like me.  I mean, I was thinking about how I am drawn to folks like this, and so I guess I would just expect others to be drawn to me, but this doesn't seem to make people feel drawn to me.  Why not?  Again, they're just different.  They're not enthralled by all the things, the way I feel lucky to have found connections to people like (podcast host) and (research advisor) and (V's mom).

I think I'm circling in on this idea that I shouldn't expect everyone, or even the majority of people, to like or be drawn to me, but that I have to expect that it'll only be certain types of people, and that's okay b/c those are the people I will like best anyhow.


What do you say to yourself about finding love?

I will interpret this question as meaning friendship and community.  I tell myself it's hard.  It is exhausting when you have such a strong reaction to rejection, to continuously try, and fail, and have to try again.  It's just harder for me than it would be for many people.  And therefore it's a steeper climb to make happen.  And I can't pretend it won't be hard.  It just will be.  And that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing.  But I believe when we finally move, we will find community, together, as a family.  It must happen.  I can't live without community anymore.  It's not okay.  The new city will work better for finding it because any friends we meet will actually be near enough to one another to be able to actually feel like community.  And the smaller-town vibe will make it easier to feel like you can reach out and connect.  I feel a good feeling that it will happen.

What do you say to yourself about your appearance?

I don't actually say much to myself about my appearance.  I feel a little down about my extra weight sometimes and don't like how that extra weight feels weighing me down a lot more than I don't like how it looks, but I also, still, don't like how it looks, and so I can catch glimpses in the mirror that are disappointing.  But I also like to think, yeah, but my baby so treasures my body, how can I not see it that way?  My arms are the ones that hold her and lift her up with glee and rock her.  My shoulders, chest, and breast are the ones that cradle her and make her feel she has a safe place to snuggle.  My legs are the ones that sway as I hold her, that carry our combined weight around, that allow me to squat down and get to her eye level.  My face is the face that she treasures, that she most wants to see light up with pleasure at her existence.  How can I not see that my self is her treasure?  And knowing that, how can I not see my body with a lot more tenderness?  I mean, that's all there.  But I still wish I felt less sick, less tired, less heavy, and that I looked more fit and spry, the way I was most of the time since 2013 until somewhat recently.

What do you say to yourself about your quality of parenting?

I say to myself that I am doing so much better than most people, and that I need to cut myself more slack, but then I also really feel that my job as a parent is very profoundly important that I also don't want to cut myself so much slack that I'm not honest about the ways that my shortcomings and trauma are having a negative impact on her, or the ways in which I fail to meet her needs.  I don't think it's especially productive to just sit around making excuses or comparing ourselves favorably to the subset of folks out there who happen to be doing worse than us.  Like, in what way does that help us accomplish our very real goal of being the kind of parents we want to be?  So I really just try to find an honest understanding of my parenting, without being too hard on myself as I do so.  I try to remember that the neurosequential model (Bruce Perry's thing) should probably tell me that if I don't get it "right" at first, she doesn't have to wait and get it in therapy one day, but we can keep growing together and I can help her get some of the previously unmet needs met as time goes on.  And so hope isn't lost.  And if I'm the one who failed her, but I am also the one who is there for her as I help her progress past that, and if I model forgiveness and grace, then she'll learn these things, too, and she won't hold grudges, and she'll be a whole person, not a broken person.  I want to believe this.  But maybe my mom did, too.  So more than anything I want to be honest with myself about what my parenting is really like, what my weaknesses are, and what I need to do differently.

What do you say to yourself when you've made mistakes?

This question is far too non-specific to be easy to answer in the context of the way I'm attempting to do this exercise, which is in one sitting, in a short period of time.  So I think I need to narrow it down.  Maybe what I say to myself when I get angry or yell or scold or shame my baby, especially when I notice it right away?  Well, honestly it usually means I am far too busy trying to repair and co-regulate and bring E back to a state of comfort.  I am more focused on meeting her needs (now greater due to my missteps) than I am focused on myself.  But then a bit later, it can be very easy to say to myself, gahhh, how can I have such good intentions and still not meet those intentions?  And I can think to myself, okay, it was just this once, and I'm going to do better about that.  But then the next time I do, I can think, yeah, but I said that last time, and here I am again.  And then I think, yeah, something needs to change in me, or the behavior won't improve, and I'll keep repeating this.  Or, maybe, maybe this is just inevitable with my trauma history, like, maybe this is the best I can do.  And maybe I will have to make peace with that.  Because I am just one link in a chain, in a sense, and what came before me is all part of me, and unless I am going to believe that it was wrong to have a child, then I have to believe that it must be okay to choose to continue giving birth to babies with our imperfect pasts, with the chains going back into all our past trauma that can follow us.  And it's not my fault where I come from.  But I also don't want to fail to take the kind of responsibility that will help me feel that I have done all I can.  So I also don't want to be too fatalistic.

What do you say to yourself when you let someone down or someone lets you down?

Interesting that this question is worded as one or the other.  I guess I think that me letting someone down is similar enough to the previous question that I don't need to try answering that part of it, but can instead think about when someone else lets me down...

I think that in many cases, I can think that people just don't care enough.  I can hold people to really high standards, some of which are unrealistic.  Like when I expect A to remember details and then she just doesn't, and I'm like, why did you [xyz]?!!  And she's like, I just forgot, geez.  And I'm annoyed b/c I'm like, if she really cared, wouldn't she have made an effort to do it right?  But maybe even doing her best, it still isn't at the level I would have done it b/c memory is one of my strengths but not so much hers.  So I can sometimes just not have enough information to really understand why with other people, or sometimes even with A.  And sometimes honestly, the inconvenience, the challenge, or the hurt, of being let down, can sort of dominate the reaction, more so than the things I'm "telling" myself.  But when I'm not being juvenile or triggered, then I usually have to admit that I think people have let me down through no fault of their own.  I guess because at a certain point, it's hard to believe anyone is ever at fault, since the more I come to know about psychology, the more I do believe people are doing the best they can.  Maybe not always at the things others want them to, and so competing needs and desires don't make this clear.  But it's not like I think people are rotten to each other unless they're having a hard time.

What do you say to yourself about the bad things that might have happened to you in your life that you don't want anyone else to know about?

I don't have a lot of bad things that have happened to me that I don't want anyone else to know about.  I feel that I have enough righteous indignation about having been wronged that I feel pretty comfortable telling people about them if they're interested.  It's complicated, of course, but since I loathe small talk, I often want and prefer to talk about very real and serious stuff, and that means that if it loops back to past hardships of mine, that's cool, too.  I feel that I am also pretty good at talking about my experiences going through hardships in a way that doesn't make people feel too on edge or uncomfortable, b/c I think that I understand pretty well when it's too much to share, and really felt that Brene Brown speaks the truth about how disclosure and vulnerability are not the same thing.  I am more likely to explain to someone, to whom it is relevant, that I experienced ostracism and am therefore sensitive to rejection.  If they are interested, I can elaborate.  I don't feel that it's necessary to get into such detail that it brings me back in such a way that I'm brought to tears over it, and it's rare that anything steers me to do such a thing, except, for instance, with A, because we're in the kind of relationship where it's appropriate to do so.  So, I guess I'm thinking to myself, umm, if I'm talking about something to anyone, I'm doing it at the appropriate level of sharing, and not over-sharing, and that means that with people with whom I do not have trust or intimacy, who haven't earned the right to my vulnerability, those folks I'm not going to share, but it's not out of a fear.  It's more that I think there is a time and a place, and you can vicariously traumatize others, too, so I mean, you really have to have an intuitive sense for when those times are.  And yeah, I feel open to sharing in more times and places and with more people than many people do.  I think it's because I think it's great to be honest and also try to destigmatize mental health issues and help others remember that their trauma isn't their fault and stuff like that.  But that's not the same as sharing at wrong times, and so I guess I don't really see the times that I choose not to share as coming from me not wanting other people to know so much as it comes from me having a bit of sense about the right times/contexts to share.

Okay, not sure why I went with proper capitalization, since it can slow me down, but next time I think I will consciously avoid it so as to keep my pace even quicker.  But this took me roughly 50 min to write all of this.  The goal was a quick journaling session, not to be as thorough as possible.  Because then I would still be typing on the first question.

making things / working with my hands

reviewing past journal entries, i noticed that i said that the hardest thing is the fragmenting of my attention.  but then i went on to talk about how i don't have much time to do the things (aside from parenting) that i feel define me as a person.  it's not even that i want to do things totally unrelated to parenting.  it's that i want my unique skills and passions to be able to be brought to bear on the task of parenting.  it means so much to me to be creative, to make things with my hands, to come up with ideas and make them turn into a real something in this world.  i want to design her climbing structure for the living room, build it, and then watch her play with it.  just the tiny craft of turning an old sling into a sensory swing in the living room, getting to use knots from the knot guide (buntline hitch and sheet bend - i finally got to use the sheet bend!!!), and then hanging it up and then seeing her play with and enjoy the swing so much, it's felt so good.  it's really cool when i can say, hey, because of the person that i am and what i'm capable of doing, my child gets to have this experience.

every child is going to have different experiences based on their parents.  parents who read a lot, who make things, often have kids who grow up and do those things, too.  i love this.  i don't think i fear that there won't come more opportunities later for her to know me as a person who can make or fix just about anything, and for her to learn this disposition to the world, that we are much more about creating than consuming.  i know it will come.  and maybe at times i get impatient.  but it's been almost 2 years where it's just so hard to find time to do any project that's more than just a little bit involved unless we have help.  so now with the pandemic, when we've decided based on our perceived risk factors that it's not the time to have her with a babysitter, this means i just have less opportunities than ever.

in some ways i like this journaling thing because i can set a timer for 15 minutes and you can produce a lot of words on the screen in this time, so it feels like you got a lot done, haha...  i mean, this baby's brain is growing so fast, her development is just absolutely explosive in speed at this early age, i know i'm getting a LOT done, a lot MORE done, by parenting her, than anything else.  i know this.  but it still takes its toll when the things that are unique to you as a person are unable to be experienced.  i bet there are all kinds of people whose careers, like musicians who go on tour, who are feeling this way during the pandemic.  i think about J whose nail salon opened up recently and now has been closed all this time.  was she renting that space?  will she lose it?  will she have to start over?  how will this affect her financially?  i'm far from the only person struggling right now.  and while that doesn't change what i am personally experiencing, it can be easy to let my brain drift and think well, it's not as bad as what all these other people are going through, so i shouldn't complain.

i guess i'm not complaining, i'm just thinking about what is hard for me right now, because understanding that, and being self-reflective, and trying to be more self-aware, will make me a better parent and partner.  right?  so it's not self-indulgent to think about and grieve the things that are hard for me just because other people are going through things that are not only harder for them but would also be harder for me than what i'm experiencing right now.

i guess part of the question is, do i NEED to find a way to prioritize doing more making, or do i just find a way to be patient and accept that this will take time?  i sometimes feel like maybe we need to prioritize only doing konmari right now, and then once the house is properly organized, THEN everything we want to do will be be possible / easier.  so hard to know what to do.  it's hard enough making time for journaling!  (sometimes, remembering to do it)...  i'm kind of at the point where i want to ask myself, if i prioritize organizing the house, because this is a totally boring task that i would literally rather do ANYTHING OTHER THAN, will the accomplishment, and what it facilitates about living here, be worth it, will it be rewarding enough to compensate for what's hard about it?  will it be nice to kind of rip the bandaid off and get it over with?  that's what i'm hoping, i think.  guess i need to chat with A about this.

day 2 of journaling for 15 min daily

 not sure what i should talk about.  it can definitely feel, the next morning after a day that was relatively easy, like there's not much to say about parenting.  maybe i don't need to talk about parenting.  maybe i can just babble on about other stuff.

how about the food problem?  i guess it's probably not just me who finds it tiresome and hard to regularly prepare/cook healthy food because there's just so little time when you're the full-time caretaker of a baby.  i think i always feel too much guilt around when i fail at eating in an ideal way.  it's funny how the bar has crept upwards, where once upon a time i felt like i was eating so well if i got in a few veggies per week, and now i'm feeling like i'm getting it wrong if i don't eat a large quantity of veggies every day.  even just last night, i ate a giant pile of brussels sprouts, probably a pound of them, and because i ate it with rice, it doesn't seem to register for me as being healthy.

i do wish i could just have a live-in household helper.  they could cook and clean and then when i need to do some organizing tasks, they could play with E.  sigh, wouldn't that be lovely?

regardless of how much vegetation i'm eating, i definitely need to be dropping some pounds.  i have this numb/tingling spot on my hip and it's making it hard to sleep since i can only sleep comfortably on my left side, just like during pregnancy.  i need to be walking regularly.  i need these fires to be done with so the air is clean enough for me to walk.

i keep thinking, a few times each day, for a fleeting moment, that i need to work on E's 2nd birthday presents.  it feels so lame to me to consider purchasing something i could make for her.  imagine the difference between growing up with toys your mom made for you, versus, just some random toys your parents bought?  i just feel so good about having built her that gazebo.  it was like a love letter to that baby!  i want to keep doing this.  part of me feels like if she could decide based on her criteria right now, she'd probably say, okay, guys, no, don't spend time making things for me, just spend time with me.  i know that it's just ME who wants this, me who needs some time away from the otherwise full-time task of parenting.

on that note, the full-time thing, i really want to know when i can expect that baby to stop nursing so many times in the night!  i feel like her need for co-regulation is so high, and she winds down so slowly, that nursing her back to sleep just makes sense as something that's needed, and it may be the way it is parenting this kind of child.  i think i'm mostly at peace with it these days.  i think part of me is expecting that when she finishes this current batch of teething, it'll be a lot less frequent wake-ups.  can't be sure what to expect, so i just wait.

sometimes i think what i SHOULD be journaling is all the wonderful things that baby does!  just yesterday she picked up the letter Y and held it by the stem and said "V!" and i said, oh, yeah, when you cover this up, it does look like a V, but (and then i mumbled to myself about how i needed to find the actual V, don't recall exactly what i said) and she had toddled away, and i thought, oh well, she's too young, she's not interested in learning all this stuff.  but then she said, from across the room, "i got it!" in that way she does, and i look up and she's retrieved the ACTUAL letter V from way across the room.  which means she not only knew what letter it was, but remembered where it had been deposited.  which is amazing.  my baby, not even 2 years old, is recognizing letters.  entire words, at times.  she can ask for books by title, even complicated titles like "i promise" and "dream animals" and she asks for Dr. Seuss' Sleep Book by saying "moose juice goose juice".  so lovable.

today's journaling wasn't much of tapping into my feelings, but i'm glad i wrote that stuff down about her, in case i don't find time to put it in her baby book any time soon.  so i don't forget.  i feel tired today.  definitely wishing i'd slept in.

going on a journaling jag b/c therapist said i should

so i'm giving this a try, this online therapy thing, which is a once-weekly half hour online video chat.  it's not very long.  they're not paying her very well from what she said.  so i kind of think it's fair to expect that if she's not getting much pay, she's going to not be able to give as much to the process.  i'm going to accept that.  but i'm also going to acknowledge that she's asked me to journal for 15 min/day and to share a few of those per week, and this means she's actually going to be doing some stuff outside our video chat sessions that adds to the value.  but it doesn't benefit me if i don't do the work.

actually i guess you could say that about any and all kinds of therapy or processes of self-improvement.  you've got to do work.  it's sometimes work that takes time, like this.  that's the hardest kind of work to do right now.  i am squeezing this in during her bath.  she's singing now, but shortly ago called out for me to get her out.  i told her to wait.  we'll see.  i may not even get the full fifteen minutes.

the hardest thing about parenting a very small child is, for me, the fragmenting of my attention.  i think that A doesn't totally understand how easy it is for me to have my attention wander off already, without the addition of a child to the equation.  and how hard that is for me.  and how much it gets exacerbated by having a baby.  it also feels so hard to commit to anything.  i feel like our society expects us to be able and willing to still commit to things even when we have just had a child and it is our obligation to that child to be there for them.  it's so messed up.  i even judge myself against this, even though i don't agree with it, because you can't help but be affected by social norms and expectations.  it's hard not to feel that you're not doing enough, or not doing it well, if you can genuinely find no spare time.

the thing that irks me is that people want to give advice to people who describe our challenges as we do, in terms of what we're not giving ourselves permission to do.  that's just the thing though.  i honestly can't do as much or be as available, as what she genuinely needs.  i already give myself permission to walk away when she needs me, to leave her crying her head off while i complete something, or choose activities from time to time that favor our (the adults') fun over her getting to bed perfectly on time.  i just can't do it perfectly.  no one can.  so i'm already giving myself permission to not be perfect.  because there's no choice.  but then from that point, do we do our best?  i think so.  that's what we do.  we don't say, "oh, i am going to give myself permission to not do my best", no.  it just doesn't work that way.  i would never believe for a moment someone who loves their child isn't going to feel compelled to do their best.  sometimes even my best isn't as good as what i wish for her.  and in the context of all of that, i don't need advice about how i can do a little less for/with her.  i am already aware of Winnicott's concept of the "good enough" parent.  i'm also aware of the harms of parents who weren't quite.  or my own parent.  who tried her hardest.  and still harmed me to where i am having a very hard life in many ways.  sure, she enriched me in SO many ways, too.  but i really think that i deserved not to be harmed in the way that i was, and i believe E deserves the same, and while that is unrelated to WHETHER i am capable of giving it to her, the fact is, i know that with the trauma i bring forward, it's going to be a challenge for me to be a good enough parent.  my starting point is a lot farther from where some people's starting points are, because i have such a strong adrenaline response to so many things, and just such a strong response in general.  i feel all of parenthood so incredibly intensely.  it's all intense, the highs and the lows.

i don't need advice about how i can do less or try less hard or take more time for myself.  it's something i was able to do more before the pandemic, and it's something i can do far less of now.  that's just the way it is.

but even though i think i'm fairly well in acceptance of this fact, that doesn't mean it isn't hard.  it doesn't mean i don't want to grieve, to some extent, that which i wish i had more of in my life, like creating things with my hands.  i just don't understand the world very well when i'm not creating things.  at least writing in a journal 15 min per day (on the days i can manage) is something along these lines, instead of nothing.

sometimes i fear, i fear so much, forgetting this entire early babyhood.  my memory is a disaster with the sleep fragmentation.  i have trouble understanding the world when i can't remember anything and i'm not making anything.  i'm just spending all time in survival mode, just trying to avoid being flooded by adrenaline too often, and trying to manage it when i AM flooded, because the ache in my stomach and chest and throat and shoulders, it's just so much, and i just don't want to go through parenthood this way.  and i want to remember all the things i so love about her.  she's so amazing.  like, i had no idea a child could be so precocious.  i thought my parents were exaggerating about me.  but if she's like i was, then i guess they weren't.  it's so cool, the things she understands, and does, and says.

what is it about an academic environment

what is it about an academic environment that makes us (well, some of us, anyhow) able to convey information to people about what they're doing wrong, that is taken as feedback by them that they're willing to work on, and that in other contexts creates defensiveness and an unwillingness to budge?  what is that?  aside from just the nuanced and sensitive teaching style some have, there's also something about the environment and expectations.  why couldn't a workplace create that?  what would that look like?

if you have a place where what you want is for people to stop judging children, and treat them with kindness and respect, and treat them with gentleness and compassion, and you have people working with children who are not doing that, who are, over and over again, conveying to children something much more negative, like, "you are unacceptable as you are and you better change if you want me to accept you" with not only their words but their tone and their facial expressions and their body language, then how do you make them aware of this without also shaming them?  when it's school, it's not shame at all, it's instruction.  it's learning, it's growth.

but why are they afraid of it in a workplace, afraid that the only way it can be conveyed is by being so subtle that the loudness of the anxiety and judgment that's causing the behavior makes them unable to even hear the soft messages of what else could be happening?  and if you need a place with a certain attitude to prevail, why can't you teach it, instill it?  why did emmi pikler choose only brand new, inexperienced individuals to work at Loczy?  because she knew that people who were experienced in this field would bring bad habits to the table.  instead she wanted people who would be a bit more open to how things would be done.

but if/when you are working with people who've been at it a long time, if they're interested in the message and willing to change, why aren't we willing to be direct and insistent with them, like, hey, try this, okay, no, try it like this, no, this, okay, yeah, try that out for a while, see how it feels, and report back.  and then later they feel it out, and discuss what works and what doesn't, and if there are any misconceptions on the part of the one trying it out about why it seems to not be working, then the supervisor explains what they see and why they think it's not working, and they work on making it even better.  why can't we do that?  and if our primary responsibility is to the children, and we believe this way is the right way, then why do we hesitate?

my conclusion is that there is still a fundamental misunderstanding about what it takes to create the kind of environment we want, full of people who understand what we want them to understand, and feel what we want them to feel in order to get it in their bones.  it's one thing to understand the philosophy and to desire that you will surround yourself with others who share your philosophy and to hope to inspire others to share your philosophy, but these things are not the same as knowing how to actually accomplish it.  i think that people don't understand how to accomplish it.  and i think it's not that distantly connected to what's happening in our schools these days, where you can't just insist that people really learn before you move them along to the next phase.

will rejection always be the thing

so, i get a job working at a place where these people are supposed to be following all these conscientious principles, being caring, communicative, etc, and then they reject me.  they try to give me some really vague feedback and then pretend later that i should somehow have grasped it, regardless of how vague it was.  and then when i tell them i need them to be direct and clear, they try to claim i should already have understood.  despite the vagueness.  i say, i can appreciate someone being gracious and kind and subtle on the one hand, but on the other, really need specific feedback if i'm supposed to learn and grow in the ways that will lead to my becoming a successful part of this team.  they are not forthcoming with this information.  the spouse says to me, the think you might just need to accept is that, well, probably what really happened is just that your direct coworkers didn't like you.  and they threw you under the bus.  and that's just really unlucky.  but the disorienting thing is, like, how could that happen in a workplace like this?  can i conclude, only, that i was rejected?  or is there a lesson to learn?  if there's a lesson to learn, then what exactly is it?  and how come when i ask for clarification on this point, the information is absent?  if there are real reasons, why can't they provide them?  what am i supposed to be learning???  this is bullshit.  if my goal is to change the world, and the way the world functions, and to question everything, and to bring things up to snuff in the realm of being kind, compassionate, empathetic, nonjudgmental, and communicative, and there are only a few places that i even know of where the supposed philosophy is such that this kind of utopian ideal could possibly be striven for, then i try to become a part of this world, and they tell me i can't be one of them, then (a) what place on earth is left for me, (b) who are my people if not these people, and (c) if this place isn't capable of embodying what really matters on all levels, then how can i hope for that kind of idealism out of anyone, anywhere, if not even this place can do it or even try?

mid-2013 project idea brain purge (part 1)

my brain has been feeling full of too many ideas, so that when i'm trying to be restful, my brain is excitedly active and scanning all these ideas, because that's when i have the opportunity to actually sort through them.  but then i get busy doing bits and pieces of this bigger group of ideas and don't make any other time that i set aside specifically for thinking about and sorting them, relegating them to the times when i'd sorta rather be winding down.  so, before i go to bed on this evening when i feel cranky and excessively tired and in need of sleep, it seems like a pretty good idea to do a little brain purge.  not because this is the most opportune time to make such an attempt, but because i believe i will likely sleep/rest more soundly without this stuff pinging about in my head.

first, a to-do list:

* wednesday: have to go get new bench seat and doors for truck

* deal with the garage & acquiring that new work bench/cabinet (have the tub moved into the kitchen?  what about the new sink?  where can that hang out until we're ready to use it?---is it possible to stand it up on end so it takes up a lot less room?---maybe i can build a little makeshift wooden retaining thingy to keep it from falling over?)

* return the modem to time warner

* call AAA and get the right motorbike listed on my insurance (go get the license plate # first, b/c i'm sure they'll ask for it)

* try to find out what to do about the bike i sold, since its registration renewal is due soon

* get vitamins from target

* pick up the tile samples

* contact andrea about bathroom project time frames

* measure the bathroom so i know the surface area of the ceiling

* make some specific plans for what to do with the ceiling in the bathroom (look at some more imagery of old timey skylights/light wells in older buildings for inspiration as to how to redeem that element in the bathroom)

* WINDOW SCREENS:  STILL NEED TO ACQUIRE:

*** bronze screening: four 2x2 screens, one 3x3 screen, and one ?x? screen (measure that other window in the office, the one that faces the side of the house)

*** 2 additional 6-ft lengths of 1x1 (the depot) + enough additional length of 1x2 to make final screen for that other window in the office + another 2-ft length of 1/4" dowel

* finish painting stool

* cut & put up lath in office

* re-plaster in both the office and bedroom (possibly acquire some more expanded metal lath if what i've got now isn't enough to cover all the surfaces still in need of plaster); also patch the ceiling in the hallway & by the front door (actually, spackle will probably suffice in the living room)

* finish the doghouse!: probably need a bit more luan---get more, cut the roof pieces, and mastic them in place, adhere the final trim on the roof, and the scalloping on the "gable", then get the whole thing fully painted & make sure the floor surface is appropriate to allow water to pass beneath the doghouse, as opposed to getting inside (perhaps raise up on cinder blocks?

and aside from the to-do list i have kicking around in need of lots of effort and energy still, i have a bunch of new ideas that aren't fully formed enough yet to even have definitive items i can add to a to-do list... so i'll just start rattling off some of these things...

PALLETS:

super glad i have potentially found a reliable source.  now i need to start going and getting them, and hopefully taking them apart as quickly as i acquire them---do i maybe need to create a storage location for the boards i pull off of them?  maybe right beside the porch over by where the hose connection is?  maybe create the storage spot for the pallet wood out of a couple of pallets?  that seems like a sensible plan.

i am wondering if it would be a good idea to create an additional flat work surface extending out beyond the edge of the garage?  if not actually useful as a work surface, maybe i can at least create a slightly extended area to stack some stuff, for at least giving myself the ability to pull stuff out of the garage while i figure out how to utilize the space in there in a clever way?  there seems to be so much wasted space in that little area just to the right of the porch and at the top of the driveway.  maybe do something about that.  also maybe do something about the total lack of a useful set of stairs onto the yard area, by crafting some steps out of a combination of cinder blocks and concrete pavers and pallet wood?  something that doesn't require me to drill into, or bolt down onto, the driveway concrete

what about all the other things the pallets could be useful for?

backyard fence: i think it seems like a really fairly easy project to make a fence in the backyard.  hauling the materials up there won't exactly be cake, or fun, but once i get the materials up there, and lug the tools i need up there, the actual building of the fence won't be complicated.  i want to just throw up some uprights (i think i'll actually just use 2x4s, not even bothering with 4x4s, since the whole fence will be solid-wood-clad, which will make it stronger, in the end, than even a 2x4-built interior wall in a house.  i'll utilize the same basic idea, and the pallet wood will be like lath.  something like that.  it would be cool if, on the side that faces the apartment building, i put additional wood, making the fence not see-through, at all.  i really want to eliminate M's barking at the folks climbing those steps.  also on the part that is currently chain-link, with those plastic slats woven in, she can obviously still see through that stuff pretty easily... i need to come up with some clever way to put some additional pieces of wood over that fence area, so that she can't see through anymore.  and it would be easy to come up with a solution for this portion if there weren't all that ivy & foliage & dying cacti and probably a huge spider population, but since there is all this scary stuff, i need something that allows me to stand in that area the least possible, like drilling holes at a 45-degree angle to the edge (through the back side) of the wood and passing zip ties through the holes (which fit snugly, so they don't fall out while i'm clambering over to the spot where they are to be installed) then quickly cinching them around the chain link stuff where it needs to be attached for the wood to hang out in the place where i want it to be.

front porch: look at stickley drawings more thoroughly and get more inspiration, but hopefully pallet wood can provide most of the needed material for surfacing the porch and possibly even some of the railing elements

office shelving: the bookcases in the office need something between adjacent runs, to keep the books from falling over.  maybe also construct some bookends for places where there is empty space.  how about that idea i saw online of the box that you can put whatever in (but i like the idea of storing ugly-spine paperbacks in) where you glue a series of attractive old leather (& pressed paper) book spines to the edge of so that it looks like a bunch of old books even in the parts of the bookcase where you don't have a bunch of old books to put there?  i could possibly use pallet wood to construct such a thing.  also, what about the edges of the bookcases?  they're wide open.  i could use the pallet wood to fill in those areas.  maybe use it in some other places, too, to give the bookcases a more finished look overall, and also to improve function in certain specialized areas.

bathroom ceiling: this is the idea i think i'll be using soonest, and which will (like the backyard fence idea) not require sanding or planing or any real prettying up of the boards to implement.  i think that this is the most economical way to cover the ceiling in wood, and i would need only stain the boards, which i'm pretty sure i've got plenty of stain to be able to accomplish, or else i can just use diluted paint, as we've done for the office bookcases, since it's cheaper & quicker to apply.  need to still take careful, detailed measurements, so that i can make sure i have enough wood for the whole thing.

chicken coop: if i want to build my own coop, and i want to make it rather big, it could add up to some pretty high costs pretty quickly if i'm using all brand new pieces of wood.  maybe as i start to conceptualize the design, i can think of a way to design it so that i only need new wood (2x4s, most likely) for the skeleton/frame, but can use shorter lengths for everything else, so the pallet wood pieces can act in a capacity of not only cladding but also contribute structurally.  i know it can be done, but i have to think of the project that way from the beginning to accomplish it.  i think it would be really awesome if it was made mostly out of pallets!

raised beds: if we want to make some raised beds for planting fruits/veggies in various places, pallet wood seems like a good go-to material for that.  even if it doesn't last forever b/c it's in direct contact with moist soil, it will be fairly long-lasting, enough so that it will be a good use of time and energy building them, since the raw material will be free (this is one project i think can be completed entirely out of the shorter pieces that are used in a pallet, without having to introduce any framing timbers from the store).  also, depending how we do it, maybe they'll utilize black landscaping cloth such that there's actually a lot less moisture seeping into the wood on a regular basis?  will have to research how folks are doing this, to see who's got good ideas and past experience with this.

backyard structures: can clad them in pallet wood!  this is quite a ways down the line, but still, i can start to discover how feasible this is as i work with pallets for the other projects in the meantime.  and maybe a first project in this vein will be the little side-of-porch storage areas i want to eventually build?

table & bench for outdoor gatherings: i could possibly use the tables we've already got, and just create wooden "skins" for them.  a tabletop with a lip that will entirely hide the metal, and wood sheaths for the legs?  it would allow it to be as strong, sturdy, and portable as the tables are now, while still allowing them to look all wood like i think would be cute, but without having to go full-on as rustic as a picnic table... i like the idea of the legs just being these upright square post-like members, which would be hard to replicate if i was trying to create a table from scratch that looked like this but was still as structurally sound.  also, could create bench seats (like picnic bench seats) to pull up to them, and also maybe some little basic box-like one-person seats, that look a bit like old wooden crates we're simply using as seats, but made strong enough to be sat upon?

garage accommodations: first off, if all of the drywall is gross, ripped, rotty, etc., why not just resort to putting a bunch of pieces of pallet wood on the walls wherever i need to mount things, so that i have solid material to adhere shelving and hanging things to?  like, if i want to put up pegboard, i can attach the pallet wood pieces to the studs (just right over top of the useless drywall) and then attach the pegboard to the pallet wood pieces.  i could also use it to create quick and simple shelving for general items, as well as making shelving to put our big plastic bins on.  i could also use it to make upright bins/cubbies for organizing certain tools, like making wooden-handled garden tools upright storage areas (like the idea where someone used large-diameter PVC pipe to put said tools, but create something just a smidgen classier by making the divisions out of the pallet wood pieces.  i wouldn't have to truly create cubbies, i could just do a series of perpendicular rows, where every other row, coming up from the ground, is in the opposite direction: one set of rows running front-to-back, and then set atop of that, another set of rows running side-to-side, and then another front-to-back, and so on, about 3 in each direction, so, the total height is the sum of 6 pallet board widths, and the tools are standing up in the square or rectangular divisions created where they intersect at 90-degree angles... hopefully when i read this again, i understand what i meant, b/c i can see it clearly in my head at the moment, but i may not have explained it very well...

window-unit ACs: i can use the pallet wood boards if necessary in creating reinforcement for holding up a window unit on the exterior of the house, and for framing in the unit on the interior of the window (on windows, at least, that don't have windows where i can pull the lower pane down to the top edge of the AC unit

kitty perches: the cats love to sit in the windows, so maybe i can choose a window in the house that is meant for them to sit in, and create appropriate-width shelf, more or less, for them to sit on, so they're not putting their claws into the wood of the window all the time, and not falling down or marking up the wall beneath the window (maybe help that part by making an intermediate-height spot for ascending and descending, so they don't just climb with paws along the vertical surface of wall beneath the window)

kitchen cabinetry: what about using the pallet boards to frame out the lower part of the kitchen cabinetry?  is that a feasible option?  not really sure.  i can figure this out in the time that i spend working with the pallet wood boards in the other things i work on.

bike ramp: what about figuring out a way to have a ramp leading up onto our property so i can park the bike up on our property instead of on the street?  that would be awesome!

trash can storage: how about creating a little boxed-in area in which to house the three trash bins, to keep them in one place, and also looking a lot tidier?  we could just make it so that the lids are exposed, allowing us to open and access the bins without removing them from their spot, but we would have to roll them out of their little spots on trash day, making it look a little more officially like the trash has an away-spot to go to, instead of appearing to be sitting out on the street all the time, all ugly-like?

parkway: maybe create a little one- or two-board-high edge around the parkway out of pallet boards, to make it a little more formal and tidy?  if we did that, we could even put down something to block the weeds (like a bunch of those coffee bags) and pour on a bunch of compost from the city, to improve the quality of the dirt over there, and hopefully therefore improve the abundance of blooms of some of the flowers we put there?

.

CONCRETE (removal) / PACING OF TASKS:

now, with the truck having a lift gate and all, the idea of renting heavy machinery doesn't seem so daunting!  how about renting a jackhammer?  not only will it be a lot easier to rent and use the equipment if we can raise and lower it using the lift gate, but it will be easier to load up hunks of concrete onto the back of the truck, for subsequent removal from our property.  just need to figure out where a bunch of apartment buildings with dumpsters are so that we can toss the pieces into a series of different dumpsters!  maybe even break the work of removing the concrete pieces up into a series of subsequent days & weeks, to make it so that there's not a whole lot of work needing to be done on any single given day.  that seems like a fairly reasonable plan, in theory.  just not sure how inconvenient it might become if there are pieces still just hanging out on the back of the truck, that need to be unloaded, when it comes time to grab anything else with the truck.

maybe try to make the loading/unloading of the truck be a project that consumes two weeks, but no more.  like, spend two weeks where every day, that is my sole task to accomplish, and as long as i've gotten it done within two weeks' time, then i am going to be pleased with the pace of my work...  sometimes i need to remember that a job that seems too big for me might only seem too big because of the kind of unchallenged assumptions of how long it might take to do something.  like, for instance, if i'm just assuming that the concrete pieces can all be loaded onto the truck in a single day, but that is too strenuous for me to do, but doing it over a three-day period is totally doable.  if i think i can't do it b/c i can't do it in a single day, it never gets done at all, whereas doing it over a three-day period, it's done in three days, instead of never at all, and that is a huge improvement!  and i get exercise all three days.  i need to remember to break tasks up like this if necessary, to keep sane, and also to make sure i am continuously getting *something* done, even small amounts, slowly, over a long, slow period of time, as opposed to not doing anything because it all seems too big and daunting

OK, GOING TO SLEEP NOW.  SHOULD WORK ON THIS MORE LATER!!!

maybe i should incorporate interviews?

since obviously i don't know everything about the things i want to write about, maybe one way of doing secondary research that would be in some ways more interesting than simply sourcing from academic journals (which can be rather boring and dry) would be to interview people who are experts in the given topic of interest.  i mean, interviews have the potential to be really interesting.  this american life is like 80% interviews.  well, not that i ever measured, but it sure seems like it.  and not that i think i'm anywhere near as talented at interviewing and producing material as the folks who do this american life.  but hey, they've set a really good example, and there's nothing wrong with taking their lead and trying to make what i'm going to present as fun and interesting as what they do.

well, i'm not entirely sure i want to make podcasts.  maybe presenting my stuff as print media won't lend itself as well to interviewing people.  at least not in the this american life (or the story, or fresh air) style.  i'm trying to present information, not just tell interesting stories.  in fact, i'm not sure i'm trying to tell any stories at all.  maybe some anecdotes, to make the topics relatable, laced in there.  but, anyhow, without trying to make my content anything like those really cool podcasts, in that i'm not telling stories, and i'm writing it down and not making audio presentations, i still think i can strive for a level of quality that their example sets.  but really what i think will make using interviews with experts good for what i'm doing is that it will allow me to insert stronger statements.  like, a research paper might say something really conservative (that is, careful) and objective and generally make sure to not even have an air of over-reaching, and being confined to a specific set of primary research, and what conclusions can be drawn from that.  whereas someone who's not only done a whole bunch of research over the years, but also read a ton of other people's research in similar fields, will have a lot to say.  a lot that is broader and more overarching.  like, someone who has seen a lot of data and written a lot of papers regarding the correlation between homelessness and mental illness, they are probably likely to say something like "there's no doubt in my mind that putting a person who is predisposed to experience an emergence of schizophrenia is significantly more likely to have those traits emerge when they experience prolonged bouts of homelessness than when they are housed in even the most basic of apartment-style dwelling", for instance.  i mean, i don't know what they'd say.  i hope they'd say something like this.  whereas i can't say something so strong just from looking at a series of research papers.  who am i to have "no doubt in my mind" about anything i haven't personally and extensively studied?  and yet isn't information always more worth reading when it's strongly endorsed by someone who really knows their shit in that field?

so that's why i'm thinking that talking to experts about the things i want to present will make the stuff more interesting to read, too.  in the end, i'll be curating a series of topics, and adding the glue and transitions.  hmmm....

it just occurred to me that those topics i came up with for 'focus the nation' are things i should incorporate.  hmmm.... what were some of those?  let's see if i can remember (and why in hell didn't i remember those the other night when i was listing topics?  what is wrong with my brain?  how come memory access is so random like that?  i hate that about it!  the brain/memory storage that is!)

* reducing water usage, including some unconventional ideas
* sustainability isn't for the upper class, it's for the poor.  because if you fail to take measures to make our world a sustainable one, it's the poor people who suffer.  this is especially obvious in the third world, but what about all the ways it's true even right here in the U.S.?  ... discussing how it's true for the third world is worth writing about, too, but just would be a separate piece.  several separate pieces.  because there is SO MUCH HEARTBREAKING STUFF to discuss.  there could be a whole blog just about how shitty the consumerist segment of the world is treating the majority developing segment of the world
* what the hell does sustainability mean?  it's not the same as being eco-friendly, or the same as habitat preservation.  those are subsets of the greater topic of sustainability, which includes not just ecological sustainability, but social and economic sustainability, too, among other things.

oh, my stupid brain won't cooperate with me right now.  good thing i have a list of these topics, as well as some brief write-ups about the importance of each topic, somewhere.  SOMEWHERE.  ::pout:: ... when the hell will we get all our files off the stupid old hard drives in those old damn towers taking up so much room in the office?  i'm seriously so sick of every time we have to get new computers, we lose access to everything we used to have.  it's so disjointed, it's worse than not having technology.  if we just had all those files in a physical file cabinet, we'd have to dig a little more to find them, but at least they'd be there, accessible, all the time, regardless of what computer, OS, etc., we're using.

maybe some time soon i should write about how the hell to solve that problem.

stuff i should write about

i was thinking the other day that there are all these random, disparate bits of knowledge i have gleaned from the world and my education, that i possess, a really odd collection.  stuff that when people ask me what i do, or what i studied, or (indirectly) what i know about, i have a hard time really bringing to the surface because i'm expected to talk about a specialty.  no one seems to value a good generalist anymore.  maybe that's my own self-criticism and doubt.  i dunno.  but part of me thinks i should write about what i know, and research the things i know enough about to be able to speak about them but not enough to write anything meaningful about.

i've been listening to a lot of "stuff you should know" lately, and i can tell that's basically what these guys are doing.  except in a lot of cases, they didn't know anything about the topic to begin with.  and there's also a limit to the scope and depth of their topics.  i have something of an interest in doing something similar to what they're doing, except i would like to sometimes go into even less depth, and pose thought experiments to myself and others, and in many other (probably most) cases, go into more depth, and start with something i have some pretty solid background in.  that is, stuff i studied in school.

i kind of want to compile a collection of the knowledge i have that i think is most interesting and important to the world we live in.  well, some of it interesting, some of it important, and some of it both.

i'll make myself a list of some of the topics that come to mind at first, with the intention of expanding this list as the ideas come to mind.  maybe i'll just email them to myself at a particular email address and whenever i sit down at a computer, i'll grab those additional topics and add them to this list?  well, we'll see if this writing idea even holds my interest long-term, first.

* multi-generational households
* socialization, importance to mental health
* greenest buildings are the ones already built
* historic preservation - old windows: keep them, repair them (despite what some repairfolk may say to you when they visit your home!)
* do toilets and showers really need to share the same physical space?
* do babies/children really need their own rooms (as long as they have space that is theirs)?  what is the necessity & value of privacy within the immediate family?  what are the limits of that?  is this a modern construct?  if so, what have we gained &/or lost as a result?
* the value of knowing your neighbors
* mixed income neighborhoods (and apartment buildings)
* pseudoscience, citing freud all the damn time (stop for fuck's sake), and reasonable use by laypeople of modern research... what can we legitimately expect of people?
* homelessness, mental illness, drug addiction: the revolving door
* why everyone should drink their own tap water
* creating incentives for learning (teachers to children, and students to themselves): the brain's reward system as it relates to seeking understanding and the resultant retention
* the case for shorter work weeks
* alcohol, why we as a culture aren't more aware of the effects (serotonin depletion, liver/insulin function & the diabetes link); how we seem to be oblivious to the social acceptability of binge drinking
* ADHD & stimulant medication: subjective experiences, how they are ignored in favor of compliant children; why they may *really* be depriving these kids of a full shot at an engaged childhood (anxiety, primarily)
* anxiety: deleterious effects, the many causes, the social acceptability of it, how reluctant we are to relax except in pre-planned sessions
* why we need more mixed-subject educations than people are likely to get in school nowadays
* what a job search and the job market in general ought to look like if employers want better matches for the positions they have open and if employees want to feel fulfilled in their jobs
* an argument in favor of an approach other than just passing or failing -- what if, instead, students who didn't absorb the knowledge & abilities of a course the first time around, just tried again, without penalty, because in some cases people take longer to "get" certain things, and not always because they are destined forever to be "bad at" those things.  in this system, there would also be a much higher level of mastery required to move on.  you can't "pass" a class, you have to master the subject matter.  i don't want my dentist to have retained a random 70% of what they learned in school, for instance.  i want them to know, backwards and forwards, everything they do.  i don't think it's unreasonable to expect people to keep working at something until they've "got it"; we do this in on-the-job learning all the time.  problem is, we can't expect employers to give us this opportunity for trial and error.  we really should be doing more of this in school.
* small footprints, physically and in terms of consumption and energy usage
* economies of scale (why don't more people understand this principle?  so many well-meaning and good-hearted folks make really terrible arguments just due to a lack of understanding of something that doesn't even require any economics education, just applying a bit of common sense!  it makes me cringe!)
* why are we suddenly only able to find acrylic/latex paint for painting walls & such?  they may be "water based" but they are made with petroleum byproducts.  what is so bad about a vegetable oil-based paint, where linseed (flax) oil is the base instead?  why have people suddenly got this idea that oil-based somehow has something to do with petroleum?  it's the opposite.  and what's worse is of course that oil-based paint is a superior and more durable product.  ugh.
* dust in the home - not just dirt and dander; a lot of it is your furniture and clothing shedding small fibers
* air quality indoors and out, misconceptions, and why people should be opening their windows more often