insomnia

what the actual hell is this insomnia stuff?  if the body is tired, why won't it just sleep?  is it because the mind is too active?  i thought the mind was super active during sleep, consolidating memories in REM sleep and all that.  i thought that if you were ruminating when you fell asleep, your brain would churn on it all night while you slept.  doesn't it seem like there shouldn't be any force that can compel your brain to ignore the need for sleep, and that it should just be like, okay, time for sleep, oh, looks like you're busy churning on something? okay, i'll bring that along, we'll keep thinking about it during sleep.  maybe there's a different part of the brain that's chewing on ideas in the awake-but-still-subconscious mind than whatever takes hold during sleep.  maybe there's some sort of internal hierarchy that we don't know about, where the brain is like, no, i'm not ready to pass these ideas to the latter (the sleeping brain)?  but how can it go on so long?  it's insane!

and what about the physical, bodily, internal repair processes that are supposed to be happening in deep sleep?  how can the body not prioritize that stuff enough to say, hey, you know what brain/body?  all these mental goings-on, they're going to have to go on pause.  it's time for some tissue repair.  or whatever.  why isn't that happening?  ugh.  it's easy to think the body has all this wisdom and knows how to heal itself, so it'll just do it.  but what does modern (especially chronic) disease tell us about that?  this process goes awry so often.  what is this?  i know trauma plays a big role in a lot of disease processes.  of course.  but whereas a chronic disease, like autoimmune disease, is the body kind of turning against and attacking itself, there doesn't seem to be a competitive relationship there like there is between the two parts of the brain in insomnia.  if the not-asleep-rumination part of the brain is saying, no, i get this time, it's more active than a sort of bodily neglect.  not that autoimmune disease feels like neglect so much as assault.  maybe they're more similar than i realize.  hmmm.

some people have written that when the body acts out in these ways, it's because we've stopped really listening to our emotions, that we've missed the subtler cues of our needs, and now the body is shouting for our attention.  maybe in that sense it really is more like insomnia.  maybe if the insomnia brain is saying, no, really, i need you to listen to me, maybe that's what needs to happen.  but how can i do that more effectively?  what am i not hearing?  what perspective changes are needed?  how can i make sense of this?  if i could tell myself, okay, the body has wisdom, i need to trust it.  if i think of it like a garden, where, i never need to tell the flowers how to bloom or find the sun, but only need to provide the right conditions and then they will thrive, and to think about the ecosystem as a whole, well, then, what parts of the ecosystem am i missing here?  maybe i'm making a problem where there isn't one.  maybe the insomnia is painful, but moving through any healing or growing process is painful, and i need to accept it and move on and quit complaining about it, and just make the best of it?  i don't know.  but there's still a part of me that feels that i should be paying closer attention, doing something differently.  it can be easy in our busy and chaotic lives to just tune out.  it doesn't seem wrong for me to now want to be tuning in ever more closely.

but maybe i'm tuning in to the wrong things.  maybe i am just watching the visible contents of my mind (the rumination) and not doing enough digging into what it reveals, and what my brain wants me working on is what it's trying to reveal from the rumination.

right now my rumination mostly has revolved around my therapist (L) and our relationship and the therapy process.  i just wonder, though, if at times i just have too many unanswered questions for L that i need to ask HER, and i'm of course going to hit a wall just sitting around pondering, b/c i don't have the answers to questions that relate to her and how this whole therapy thing is going to go.  so part of me thinks, as soon as we have more therapy, i will get sufficient time to ask those questions, and a lot of this will resolve.  right?  but what if there's more that can be revealed, to me, by the nature of these questions, and my brain is telling me i don't want to miss it?

if i start at the obvious, a lot of my thoughts with her really revolve around intensity of feeling, and how once someone gets inside my heart, they never leave.  never.  it's not possible.  i know i can't really lean into the vulnerability that's needed for therapy to "work" if i can't let myself get super attached, and that's understandably frightening.  if i let myself get super close, and then therapy is over one day, then it feels like i've lost an elder.  L says she is open to us maintaining connection, but what does that mean, and what will that look like?  i guess that's when i can feel a bit silly, b/c i don't usually ask that of relationships when they're beginning.  i don't usually make knowing this a prerequisite of getting close.  it must be that the thought of getting closer to someone who is like an elder or parental figure and then having it end in loss feels more threatening than anything.  but the truth is that one day, L will die.  it's not possible for me to get close to her and not one day lose her.  so why am i doing this to myself?  this is the nature of human relationships.  we are mortal.  we lose people we love.  it just happens.  it would be tragic if we let that stop us from having deep connections, if we just clench ourselves shut at the fear of loss.  so i don't want to do that, clearly.

and anyway, how much fun is it to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly talking to you about their insecurities about your relationship?  at a certain point, you are like, geez, am i not doing enough to reassure you?  am i not being good enough to you?  do i need to be doing more?  i don't want L to be thinking these things, or feeling insecure herself about whether she's doing enough or being enough, or has the skill as a therapist that it takes to really "reach" me.  she's so clearly reached me.  maybe i just need to show her that.  and embrace my courageous side and lean into that.  wouldn't that be more satisfying to both of us?  maybe i'm still clinging to doubts that she's ready for someone like me.  someone with this much intensity, this much inner turmoil, this much, everything.  maybe on some level i do still doubt her.  and that's when i realize that she has a lot of wisdom in cautioning me to try to take everything in therapy slowly.  i just don't have a lot of skill at modulating this stuff inside of me.  it's like the time i drove that mid-engine sports car, and every time i'd take off from a stop when the light would turn green, i'd inadvertently burst forward, b/c i didn't have the skill to gradually lower the accelerator to the floor.  it took training of the tiny muscles in my ankle to learn to do that, and for a while it was a lot of jumpy-zoomy stuff.  i feel like my brain and emotions are like that.  but if i could, somehow, modulate all of this a bit better, if i could more slowly lean into the relationship with L, then maybe i could let the evidence of her ability to handle me and her willingness to be there for me really filter in, slowly, gradually, in a way that the doubts would naturally subside.  there could be a pacing that would be ideal.  i just don't know how to find that pacing or let myself align with it.  so, yeah...

maybe all the fears of rejection and loss and heartbreak are inevitable parts of this process the way i'm unavoidably moving through it.  maybe the insomnia is partly me just trying to process the intensity of all of this.  maybe there's more there, too.  maybe i'm also afraid of what comes next as i move into a closer, more trusting relationship with L.  maybe i'm afraid of what i have to share, and the pain i may have to revisit.  i like the NARM ideas of not just barreling into the pain, but moving through it gently and slowly in the supportive context of the therapeutic relationship so it doesn't overwhelm me.  that seems like away to reassure myself it's not going to be too much.  but maybe i'm not even that scared of revisiting stuff, who can say.  at times i think to myself, no, i revisit this stuff in my own mind all the time.  i just normally have to do it alone.  and now, for once, i'll have a "parent" there to receive and let me feel seen in my pain.  i think so often that i just have a lot of pent-up tears that have never been cried, that i just need to let out of my body.  sometimes i think that this is what i'm supposed to do in therapy, just let those out.  i think part of me does fear that her approach is going to not let me let them out.  but as soon as i say it, that seems silly.  she wouldn't want me to stuff another single thing back inside.  i know that.  i think part of why the therapy process is terrifying to me is the unknown of it all.  not knowing how this will look.  maybe once we start in-person therapy, i'll get used to it a bit more and then i'll know more what to expect and it won't feel so mysterious and scary.  who knows.

but i so clearly need to get my butt into her office more than once every two weeks.  i do hope that's something we can talk about when i see her this week.

i wonder if all clients find themselves so triggered by the therapeutic relationship itself?  somehow i think not, b/c i feel like L and i have a very unusual bond.  i think this is something i'm afraid to let myself believe, actually.  i think that a part of me thinks that the extent to which i am finding myself drawing close is mostly reflective of how challenging the work is that we're doing together.  i really, really believe it's more than that.  but that's what i fear she believes.  maybe i should just ask her.  it feels hard to ask about this, though, without it feeling like i'm asking her to tell me that i'm more special to her than her other clients.  and that can feel a bit weird, like i'm getting jealous, lol.

well, i'm finally getting sleepy again, wow, yay!  i guess i think it's good that i did more of this pondering through the active process of moving my fingers on the keyboard than just lying in bed feeling restless, and maybe that will help me sleep better?  but as i end this to hopefully sleep soundly the rest of the night (:: fingers crossed ::) it becomes apparent to me that there is SOOOO much more here, so much more bubbling underneath, so many more questions, fears, confusions.  maybe it's good to realize this, to think, the insomnia is warranted, even if very painful and challenging.  i hate sleep deprivation so very much.  it's even harder without being able to have caffeine the next day.  maybe i need to make myself journal about this more, as ridiculous as it might seem to sit around obsessing about my therapist.  maybe since my brain is doing it anyway, i need to not judge it and just be curious about it.  at least i get to see her in a few days, and then, if i have the courage, i'll be able to bring up some of the questions i have, and then i won't feel sort of stuck with the same questions zipping around my mind like a pinball machine.  yeah, a pinball machine.  that's what my brain feels like.  luckily one that's now getting unplugged for the rest of the night.