ok, this is the easiest place to do this, so here's where it's gonna be.

veronica told me to ask myself questions about why i'm avoiding writing this letter (one which asks people to hire me, even though they've never met me).

i've been mulling it over, and i think the main thing is that i don't know what to say. i don't have much experience, so the only thing that makes me compelling to hire is that i'm free labor. but if that isn't much of an asset, i wouldn't be surprised. sometimes it can be hard to manage people you're not paying, and some of them think that because they're not getting paid, they don't have to perform at the same level as those getting paid. so i can totally see how, at times, that's possibly not any better, and they'd rather pay me a pittance than nothing? which just brings me back to the part where i don't know how in hell i'm supposed to seem compelling.

i guess maybe that's it. until i feel i've created a compelling portfolio, i don't have much to say. actually, it would probably be smart to finish the portfolio. what i really need to finish is the css & html for my tumblr. and the friend questionnaire. that will be a lot of fun, and i know i can dispatch it throughout tumblr and people will have a blast with it (well, certain types of people... some people won't get it, since it's intentionally very nerdy).

and also i really need to make stuff and sell it on etsy. i so *can* do this, i just really need to brainstorm and take all this absorption-of-cuteness-and-awesomeness that i do so often, and turn it around and make stuff happen. speaking of motivation, i don't want to go to therapy today! i want to make art and play video games. and if amy gets home from work early, that will be fabulous. it'll make up for the lost time from yesterday! but, okay, best be on my way. it'll take me a minute to get out the door, after all.

sometimes i genuinely feel like different (sometimes equally valid) parts of my life are pulling me in different directions. they each appeal to me with some sorta reel-you-in typa maneuver. ok, i'm attributing that to them, i'm not saying they purposefully bring that on.

so, there's therapy with veronica where at times i feel like she is still too much in a honeymoon period with me, b/c she doesn't see my flaws. i suppose i think to myself sometimes that she should see some other, the "rest of me" i feel she maybe didn't catch on to while i was inadvertently on my best behavior.

the thing about therapy... they don't want to create hopeless or despondent patients, b/c then the success rate (and their very impetus for pursuing such a profession) will decline, and that will not be good for society on the whole, let alone the profession they're involved in. when you stop and analyze things like medicine, psychology, etc., ... their hardest (and, at times, most rewarding) patients are the ones who are floating right on that line between committing to therapy and being conditionally available, sometimes not realizing the damage to their progress that frequent and continual absences are bound to create.

that said, there is, just like in teaching, a certain imperative to connect with the dopaminergic (reward-seeking) portion of the brain in obtaining a certain (mandatory? ??) propensity toward achieving success. usually a good route to pursue, especially with patients who are overly educated but with limited expertise pertaining to advancing efficacy of their professional & interpersonal skills (sometimes colloquially refered to as "social retards").

it's hard. i trust my wife. i trust her to look out for my well-being, and to protect me from things she sees me about to step into that we both know would be unpleasant or regretful for me. and i like to believe we would both say the exact same thing. but it's also important to gain outside perspectives. in the context in which my wife and i see a therapist together, i feel like there are certain facets of each of us that are isolated (and called to be acknowledged by the person in question) that we both identify from our perspectives and then find a way to make each other feel okay about or, else, in a feisty situation, to give sarcastic, tension-alleviating jokes that hopefully subdue said bringing-ups, and anyhow, i guess i'm just saying there are certain limitations there.

this is why i think she needs her own therapist and i need my own therapist. in addition to our couples therapist. i got a space cadet tangent thinking about a bunch of other stuff just then. but i'll probably come back and edit this to remove serious terrible mistakes in logic, or losing my train of thought derailments, and all those thingsish.