insomnia

what the actual hell is this insomnia stuff?  if the body is tired, why won't it just sleep?  is it because the mind is too active?  i thought the mind was super active during sleep, consolidating memories in REM sleep and all that.  i thought that if you were ruminating when you fell asleep, your brain would churn on it all night while you slept.  doesn't it seem like there shouldn't be any force that can compel your brain to ignore the need for sleep, and that it should just be like, okay, time for sleep, oh, looks like you're busy churning on something? okay, i'll bring that along, we'll keep thinking about it during sleep.  maybe there's a different part of the brain that's chewing on ideas in the awake-but-still-subconscious mind than whatever takes hold during sleep.  maybe there's some sort of internal hierarchy that we don't know about, where the brain is like, no, i'm not ready to pass these ideas to the latter (the sleeping brain)?  but how can it go on so long?  it's insane!

and what about the physical, bodily, internal repair processes that are supposed to be happening in deep sleep?  how can the body not prioritize that stuff enough to say, hey, you know what brain/body?  all these mental goings-on, they're going to have to go on pause.  it's time for some tissue repair.  or whatever.  why isn't that happening?  ugh.  it's easy to think the body has all this wisdom and knows how to heal itself, so it'll just do it.  but what does modern (especially chronic) disease tell us about that?  this process goes awry so often.  what is this?  i know trauma plays a big role in a lot of disease processes.  of course.  but whereas a chronic disease, like autoimmune disease, is the body kind of turning against and attacking itself, there doesn't seem to be a competitive relationship there like there is between the two parts of the brain in insomnia.  if the not-asleep-rumination part of the brain is saying, no, i get this time, it's more active than a sort of bodily neglect.  not that autoimmune disease feels like neglect so much as assault.  maybe they're more similar than i realize.  hmmm.

some people have written that when the body acts out in these ways, it's because we've stopped really listening to our emotions, that we've missed the subtler cues of our needs, and now the body is shouting for our attention.  maybe in that sense it really is more like insomnia.  maybe if the insomnia brain is saying, no, really, i need you to listen to me, maybe that's what needs to happen.  but how can i do that more effectively?  what am i not hearing?  what perspective changes are needed?  how can i make sense of this?  if i could tell myself, okay, the body has wisdom, i need to trust it.  if i think of it like a garden, where, i never need to tell the flowers how to bloom or find the sun, but only need to provide the right conditions and then they will thrive, and to think about the ecosystem as a whole, well, then, what parts of the ecosystem am i missing here?  maybe i'm making a problem where there isn't one.  maybe the insomnia is painful, but moving through any healing or growing process is painful, and i need to accept it and move on and quit complaining about it, and just make the best of it?  i don't know.  but there's still a part of me that feels that i should be paying closer attention, doing something differently.  it can be easy in our busy and chaotic lives to just tune out.  it doesn't seem wrong for me to now want to be tuning in ever more closely.

but maybe i'm tuning in to the wrong things.  maybe i am just watching the visible contents of my mind (the rumination) and not doing enough digging into what it reveals, and what my brain wants me working on is what it's trying to reveal from the rumination.

right now my rumination mostly has revolved around my therapist (L) and our relationship and the therapy process.  i just wonder, though, if at times i just have too many unanswered questions for L that i need to ask HER, and i'm of course going to hit a wall just sitting around pondering, b/c i don't have the answers to questions that relate to her and how this whole therapy thing is going to go.  so part of me thinks, as soon as we have more therapy, i will get sufficient time to ask those questions, and a lot of this will resolve.  right?  but what if there's more that can be revealed, to me, by the nature of these questions, and my brain is telling me i don't want to miss it?

if i start at the obvious, a lot of my thoughts with her really revolve around intensity of feeling, and how once someone gets inside my heart, they never leave.  never.  it's not possible.  i know i can't really lean into the vulnerability that's needed for therapy to "work" if i can't let myself get super attached, and that's understandably frightening.  if i let myself get super close, and then therapy is over one day, then it feels like i've lost an elder.  L says she is open to us maintaining connection, but what does that mean, and what will that look like?  i guess that's when i can feel a bit silly, b/c i don't usually ask that of relationships when they're beginning.  i don't usually make knowing this a prerequisite of getting close.  it must be that the thought of getting closer to someone who is like an elder or parental figure and then having it end in loss feels more threatening than anything.  but the truth is that one day, L will die.  it's not possible for me to get close to her and not one day lose her.  so why am i doing this to myself?  this is the nature of human relationships.  we are mortal.  we lose people we love.  it just happens.  it would be tragic if we let that stop us from having deep connections, if we just clench ourselves shut at the fear of loss.  so i don't want to do that, clearly.

and anyway, how much fun is it to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly talking to you about their insecurities about your relationship?  at a certain point, you are like, geez, am i not doing enough to reassure you?  am i not being good enough to you?  do i need to be doing more?  i don't want L to be thinking these things, or feeling insecure herself about whether she's doing enough or being enough, or has the skill as a therapist that it takes to really "reach" me.  she's so clearly reached me.  maybe i just need to show her that.  and embrace my courageous side and lean into that.  wouldn't that be more satisfying to both of us?  maybe i'm still clinging to doubts that she's ready for someone like me.  someone with this much intensity, this much inner turmoil, this much, everything.  maybe on some level i do still doubt her.  and that's when i realize that she has a lot of wisdom in cautioning me to try to take everything in therapy slowly.  i just don't have a lot of skill at modulating this stuff inside of me.  it's like the time i drove that mid-engine sports car, and every time i'd take off from a stop when the light would turn green, i'd inadvertently burst forward, b/c i didn't have the skill to gradually lower the accelerator to the floor.  it took training of the tiny muscles in my ankle to learn to do that, and for a while it was a lot of jumpy-zoomy stuff.  i feel like my brain and emotions are like that.  but if i could, somehow, modulate all of this a bit better, if i could more slowly lean into the relationship with L, then maybe i could let the evidence of her ability to handle me and her willingness to be there for me really filter in, slowly, gradually, in a way that the doubts would naturally subside.  there could be a pacing that would be ideal.  i just don't know how to find that pacing or let myself align with it.  so, yeah...

maybe all the fears of rejection and loss and heartbreak are inevitable parts of this process the way i'm unavoidably moving through it.  maybe the insomnia is partly me just trying to process the intensity of all of this.  maybe there's more there, too.  maybe i'm also afraid of what comes next as i move into a closer, more trusting relationship with L.  maybe i'm afraid of what i have to share, and the pain i may have to revisit.  i like the NARM ideas of not just barreling into the pain, but moving through it gently and slowly in the supportive context of the therapeutic relationship so it doesn't overwhelm me.  that seems like away to reassure myself it's not going to be too much.  but maybe i'm not even that scared of revisiting stuff, who can say.  at times i think to myself, no, i revisit this stuff in my own mind all the time.  i just normally have to do it alone.  and now, for once, i'll have a "parent" there to receive and let me feel seen in my pain.  i think so often that i just have a lot of pent-up tears that have never been cried, that i just need to let out of my body.  sometimes i think that this is what i'm supposed to do in therapy, just let those out.  i think part of me does fear that her approach is going to not let me let them out.  but as soon as i say it, that seems silly.  she wouldn't want me to stuff another single thing back inside.  i know that.  i think part of why the therapy process is terrifying to me is the unknown of it all.  not knowing how this will look.  maybe once we start in-person therapy, i'll get used to it a bit more and then i'll know more what to expect and it won't feel so mysterious and scary.  who knows.

but i so clearly need to get my butt into her office more than once every two weeks.  i do hope that's something we can talk about when i see her this week.

i wonder if all clients find themselves so triggered by the therapeutic relationship itself?  somehow i think not, b/c i feel like L and i have a very unusual bond.  i think this is something i'm afraid to let myself believe, actually.  i think that a part of me thinks that the extent to which i am finding myself drawing close is mostly reflective of how challenging the work is that we're doing together.  i really, really believe it's more than that.  but that's what i fear she believes.  maybe i should just ask her.  it feels hard to ask about this, though, without it feeling like i'm asking her to tell me that i'm more special to her than her other clients.  and that can feel a bit weird, like i'm getting jealous, lol.

well, i'm finally getting sleepy again, wow, yay!  i guess i think it's good that i did more of this pondering through the active process of moving my fingers on the keyboard than just lying in bed feeling restless, and maybe that will help me sleep better?  but as i end this to hopefully sleep soundly the rest of the night (:: fingers crossed ::) it becomes apparent to me that there is SOOOO much more here, so much more bubbling underneath, so many more questions, fears, confusions.  maybe it's good to realize this, to think, the insomnia is warranted, even if very painful and challenging.  i hate sleep deprivation so very much.  it's even harder without being able to have caffeine the next day.  maybe i need to make myself journal about this more, as ridiculous as it might seem to sit around obsessing about my therapist.  maybe since my brain is doing it anyway, i need to not judge it and just be curious about it.  at least i get to see her in a few days, and then, if i have the courage, i'll be able to bring up some of the questions i have, and then i won't feel sort of stuck with the same questions zipping around my mind like a pinball machine.  yeah, a pinball machine.  that's what my brain feels like.  luckily one that's now getting unplugged for the rest of the night.

grappling with inner children

it seems like i should be reassured by the fact that there are actually all these inner children / inner selves inside of me, that are responsible for all the more challenging things i experience on an ongoing basis.  they're the ones that are stuck, sad, confused, broken, crying out for healing, and i'm supposed to be able to muster compassion for them and then they heal.  or whatever.

but why do i just get the sneaking suspicion that i already have tons of empathy and compassion for them, to the point it will be hard to have any more?

i used to have this theory (and i still believe it) that no one does anything they think is wrong.  they do things that they think others believe to be wrong, but that they, for one reason or another, believed was okay to do.  even if they don't like the outcome, like, let's say, it hurt someone they care about.  they still believed that it was the thing to do, and just feel sad about it later.  we can look at it in terms of impulsivity, perhaps, like, someone is driven to take quick action and at that moment in time they are not aware of or just not thinking about the full range of consequences of said action.  but then, that's acting from a place of (albeit temporary, perhaps state-induced) ignorance.

i think that this can mesh with Lieberman's theory that our self concept is really just built out of what we believe others believe about us.  so, we may not think what we did was wrong, but we know others do, so then we feel shame, and it feels like we think it about ourselves, that we think we were wrong.  but i just don't think you can bring yourself to take action if you think it was wrong.

i think that this ties into this idea of having compassion for my inner children.  a lot of the literature is trying to convince me i need to have more empathy for the inner selves.  and if i do that, if i can think differently about them, i will treat them better, help them meet their needs in a healthy and constructive way that doesn't damage the rest of me, and then presto blammo like magic i am healed.  i'm being a bit snarky, perhaps, b/c clearly there's no literature that pretends trauma healing is quick or easy or simple.

but it's just hard for me to feel that i need to be convinced to think more highly of myself.  i do think so highly of myself.  i think i have a pretty reasonable self-image.  i really, really do.  i mean, i don't even feel i blame myself for my shortcomings.  i can see the threads that trace back to causality (as i understand it, limited though that may be) and i can see, oh, right, this is how we get here.  it makes sense.  having lived my life as i have, i know very well that i have put my best efforts and energy to the task of being and becoming, and this is what i managed.  there's very little value in thinking, oh, if only i'd tried harder.  what's the point of that kind of thinking?  i mean, i was trying my best.  and when it wasn't *technically* my best, that was because i didn't have more energy to muster.  it's like, sure, we can sprint really fast, but if you're running a marathon, there's no criticism to be had that you didn't sprint the whole way.  or even if, during the inevitable exhaustion of the marathon, you had an area where you might have benefited from sprinting but found yourself too exhausted to do so.  you weren't running at 100% of your top speed, but you can't always.  at that moment, 40% of your potential may be what you're capable of.  at that moment, that is your best.

there are other ways that, when i think about myself, maybe simple due to familiarity, i think the way that i am is the best.  i sometimes see my hands in photographs and i think, wow, my hands are so graceful and attractive looking.  i don't even think, based on most of what i see of what is chosen when hands are featured in ads and whatnot, that my hands fit any kind of social stereotypes for ideal hands.  but when i see my hands, i feel such a warmth and happiness and appreciation of them.  when i see my hands as i interact with E in videos, i think, wow, how lucky my child is to have those hands be the hands that interact with her.  i mean, this is just one tiny example.

it's this way, though perhaps to a lesser extent, with the way my brain works.  i'll be sitting in class or in whatever situation, and i can just tell that my ability to think creatively and divergently is just always present.  i don't know how i can be the only one at times with such thoughts.  i can see, okay, wow, i have these tremendous strengths.  and i see them as strengths.  i really impress myself at times (when i'm not comparing myself unfavorably to others, of course) and this isn't one of those things i'm especially self-conscious about.  i have so much confidence in the power of my brain.  it is just so reliable at what it does.  but here's where i guess i think the problems come in.  no one seems to enjoy my talents.  it's like, i might be a person who can think of all these great rebuttals during a philosophy class, to whatever the professor is talking about.  but while half the class seems to be interested only in memorizing the material for the upcoming tests, i am deeply fascinated with the process of thinking about all of it, and turning it around in my mind to find holes and points for tangents.  i find the process enjoyable and exhilarating.  i feel like i'm in my element.  that fun seems to be the very reason that the stuff was thought up and written about in the first place.  and now i'm engaging in that very same way, picking up the thread they laid down, and isn't this what it's all about?  but it's almost like, as i get sucked into that enjoyment, others around me are not simultaneously being sucked in.  they aren't joining me.  they're like, meh.  and so while i can recognize it as a superpower, it doesn't also feel valued by others.

so then the question is, well, if others don't value it, and i've felt this throughout my whole life, does this diminish my own ability to value it in myself?  i'm not sure it has had that effect.  it's almost like the compulsion to use and stretch and maneuver my brain is just way too powerful, too incredibly motivating.  concepts like completion and mastery motivation really connect for me.  i really do enjoy this way of using my brain far too much for it to be vulnerable to others' opinions.  of course, i supposed that the insidious effects CAN be that at a certain point, people can seem to think this is arrogance, and want to take me down a notch, and then they want to really reiterate to me that i'm not the smartest person in the world.  like a superpower is only a superpower if there's no one else with a stronger superpower?  what?  that's not how it works.  the world seriously needs all of our superpowers.  if on the 5 levels of giftedness, i am right on the cusp of 4 and 5 (which is my best guess), then the brain talents that belong to all of those in the long tail of the 5s, well, they're not just off the charts relative to average, they're still off the charts relative to me.  that's pretty amazing.  i mean, i will never be like that.  that's fine.  i don't need to be what they are.  i am what i am.  and what i am is already pretty amazing in its own way.  just like i don't think that people who are closer to average are lacking in amazingness.  i mean, i think the entirety of the animal kingdom is amazing.  human beings are amazingly complicated.  all of us.  no matter where on the bell curve we fall.  but i suppose it can be easy to, at times, internalize the messages of those who are just intent on taking a person like me down a notch, and i can definitely become preoccupied with what i'm NOT capable of, instead of just using what i AM capable of as a great starting point for what's next.

but i still don't think that means that i fail to value what i have.  in some ways, that can even intensify my valuing of it.  like when a resource suddenly appears far more scarce than you'd previously realized or thought of it, and now you treasure it and protect it.

i'm sort of wondering, does the stuff Lieberman says about the MPFC, does giftedness affect that stuff?  do gifted people have a better resistance to some forms of internalization of others' values?  or, whoa, what if we are more prone to internalizing values of those more gifted than we are (at whatever thing it may be) but when it comes to emotions, just raw emotions, those can come from any direction, even those less gifted, because they are not something that is limited or diminished in gifted people, but actually enhanced?  i don't feel like i'm articulating my thought here very well.  i'm wondering if maybe the sense of rejection is felt more keenly, but the determination to appreciate one's brain is simultaneously enhanced?  so as a gifted person is continually pushed toward ever greater love for and appreciation of their brainpower and talents, then the emotional stuff, the rejection in the face of it, is felt ever more keenly?

and what is this thing where gifted people feel emotions so much more strongly?  it can seem so unfair!  i wonder if people with far lesser giftedness actually have easier, mellower lives, and therefore they can be more inadvertently cruel b/c the things they share are not meant to wound so deep b/c they can't conceive of how deeply they can be wounded?  it makes me think, whoa, what if we actually secretly coexist with all kinds of life forms that are actually significantly more advanced than us, maybe some animals are (and we don't know it) and maybe some very tiny things are (but we have no way to detect this is so, or maybe even to detect their presence at all?) and if we are too flippant and careless and they're being deeply wounded.  what about all those little protoconsciousness particles that are like little fairy spirits that people think you commune with when your brain is exposed to DMT?  what if they're the ones who are offended?  this is crazy talk, perhaps, but maybe less something i think is factually true than something i could see being an interesting storyline added to my evolution / DNA sci-fi story idea.

so many thoughts around all of this.  i just didn't realize until so very recently just how important the giftedness stuff really was, or how much it played into my experiences in and of the world.  and so now i just keep finding myself wanting to figure out all the missed connections, all the lines i never drew.  well, i better go return to parenting.

more money for more therapy

i am doing every-other-week therapy right now but i really want to start doing it weekly.  it's going to cost me an additional $500/mo to do so.

i have just asked my dad to please consider funding half of my therapy.  i think i thought i could never ask him, but then it occurred to me that sometimes people feel that their life holds value if they can find some sort of purpose and so you never know if giving in some way is going to be fulfilling to them.  all this while i have complained at / on behalf of him for continuing to give-give-give to these orphans he's taken under his wing at that property he calls the ranch, where they take-take-take and don't respect him at all, but i never asked him to give to me instead.  i just felt resentful.  but here i've said, okay, here's a way you can contribute to your grandbaby's life.  he always wants to give gifts.  so many gifts.  it almost always makes me feel sad b/c he keeps trying to find ways to show he cares by giving material things, and we don't want material things.  so i tell him to stop giving us things, but it means he doesn't have a way to show he cares.  especially with the pandemic, he's always at arm's length.  so i figured maybe if i ask him to help in this way, he can finally feel like there's something he's giving that's being received and appreciated.  it also occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, he will now have a fire lit under his ass to hold those tenants to account.  to say to them, no, you won't get away with not paying me this month, i need this money for my daughter to get therapy, i need my grandbaby to have a whole parent, and that means she needs therapy.  and i won't let you take that away from her.  and he can embrace his papa bear.  if he can't stick up for himself, maybe this will give him purpose and allow him to stick up for me and his grandbaby.  maybe.  just maybe.

on the other hand, it may be interpreted as cruel.  that when our household brings in significantly more income than he does, in retirement, it isn't fair for us to ask for such a financial contribution.  i mean, it's possible he'll see it this way.  i have no idea.  but i'm hopeful it won't be this latter way.

regardless of how he construes it, the fact is, he may not be able to make it happen.  and if that is the case, i need to find a way to bring in either $500/mo on a regular basis, or find a few projects where i can earn some lump sums to add up.  maybe for now i don't even need to think about the whole future that stretches before me, but only need to try to figure out the next year.  which is $6000.  it's not THAT much money.  i feel like i should be able to raise that amount of money.

so sometimes brainstorming and thinking "aloud" (typing it out) can be helpful.  so that's what i want to do.

i first had the idea that it's probably time for me to develop my curriculum for the parenting classes.  it's something i want to start doing, and while i initially envisioned it as something i would do for free for a period of time, to get my bearings, i wonder how i would feel about actually starting out by charging for it, but not charging that much.  i mean, let's say i had 10 participants and they each paid $100 for the 10-week class (or maybe i can abbreviate it to 6 weeks, which i've thought about doing in the past, or maybe even 8 weeks, to make it an even 2 months), well, that would be $1000 in 6-10 weeks.  this way, i'm not charging very much, so i can feel less anxious about whether i've really got my bearings.  this would be enough to fund therapy entirely, if i could pull it off.  there are a lot of contingencies, though.  like, whether i get enough people (which requires me to advertise, which is certainly not easy).  it's also not something i can hit the ground running with.  i need to develop the curriculum.  i need to think about it carefully.  i want to be so very thoughtful about how i put it together.  i want to remember what i thought did and didn't work about pacing in the 10-week class, and also we can't do break-out group activities, so some stuff will be different.  and i need to think about whether we want to reserve a segment for (essentially) a support group format, as i do feel that parents who show up with so much intention and desire to parent more thoughtfully are going to want a chance to discuss their specific challenges, and so we need to leave space for that.  so much to think about.

another possibility is to start doing some web design / programming work.  this feels just as challenging to figure out how to find clients for.  i just have no idea how to advertise.  i don't really want to take on a ton of projects, i want JUST the right amount of work so that i can do a minimal amount of work that i actually have time for on top of parenting.  that seems like it'll be a challenging balance to strike.  so i will have to be careful.  i don't think i want to get roped into long-term site maintenance.  i've already seen what a beast that can be with the NC. 

i've also had the thought that maybe i could do some handiwork for folks around the 'hood.  i'd only be able to really do it on weekends, most likely, but it might be kind of fun.  this might be a little easier to advertise since i could use nextdoor.  maybe i could even help folks with some gardening and pruning and whatnot.  that might actually be a great option.  it might be nice to be outdoors and working in the dirt.  well, at least when it's not too hot...  :\

those are my ideas so far.  i was sorta hoping that once i started to articulate those ideas that more new stuff would occur to me.  the only really new thoughts i had during this writing were the possibility of an 8-wk parenting class and the idea of not only doing handiwork but also gardening stuff.  i guess that's not nothing.  but seems like a lot of journaling only for those two tiny ideas.

random journaling

well, this is certainly a different therapy experience than i've had before.  in the past i am usually a bit meh about my therapists and don't feel they understand me (and probably don't really believe they care about me that much) and they don't feel like they're reaching into my life outside of the sessions.  i never felt strongly compelled to get to therapy, and often felt like it was happening too often and it was hard to make it to sessions reliably, or even if i did make it, it felt burdensome.

now, here i am in therapy and i can't get enough.  i'm getting insanely attached to my therapist.  it's a bit confusing b/c what i just heard in my current audiobook yesterday about fragmented selves was saying that this excessive attachment, neediness, clinginess, almost obsession, it is a sign of a certain type of pathology and dysfunction.  i just struggle to think of my connection to L as being made up only of trauma responses.  it feels like it just cheapens the relationship.  and what about from her perspective?  i mean, what if you find yourself with a client who is really intensely "into" you but only for a spell when their dysfunction is being badly triggered, then all that intensity dies out, i mean, how does that affect a person?

she's a person, and this work is clearly meaningful to her, and she cares about me (in a way that it genuinely feels no therapist before has cared) and the way that i am, what i give, what i take, how i show up, all these many ways, can make my presence in her life be enriching or draining.  she told me not to worry about her feelings, that i don't have to take care of her.  but that just seems wrong to me.  how can we be in a relationship and i don't need to demonstrate my caring by trying to be thoughtful about how my presence in her life is affecting her?  i guess i just don't have any other template for a meaningful relationship and i'm not sure i want to.  i don't want to settle into some sort of selfish and all-about-me way of interacting with anyone.  plus, the longer i know her, the more it feels like i want this to be a real relationship, not just a therapy experience.

but i do also realize that this is connecting to all the feelings and memories i have around J (high school spanish teacher) because i keep thinking to myself, oh, it's like that, it's happening again.  i spent a very long time in relationship to J where we had to maintain a relationship where we kept a careful distance, where she had to be somewhat "professional" b/c she was my teacher and i was a young kid (i didn't really realize just how young i was at the time, but, wow, i was really just such a baby)!  and for a reasonably long time, she kept me at arm's length while extending as much kindness as she could that felt appropriate to the context.  but then, in time, she started to realize i was a really remarkable person and i burst into her heart in this way that drew us close.

suddenly i wasn't just a needy little kid wanting my teacher's attention as i dealt with hard times.  we were friends.  we were such very close friends.  and we learned so much from one another, it wasn't just one-way.  it was such a very special friendship, and just transcended all the normal ideas about what human relationships look like.  i don't think i've ever felt the same about my life since i lost her.  it's hard to look back at my life and not wonder how i could just go and leave GA like that, and try to take some of the blame.  but setting that aside, i think that at the time i just knew that this is what friendship can (and should) look like and anything short of that was cheap and hollow and shallow and pointless.

when you go through your life with so few people you genuinely connect with, with so few people who can see inside of you to all your nuances and really "get" what you're about, the need becomes that much more acute.  i just keep thinking to myself, if people like this were easier to find, then the need on my end wouldn't be so, well... desperate.  i walk around the world feeling desperate.  lonely.  like i'm another species and there just aren't that many others of my species.  i try to explain to A why i don't feel that relationships with dogs and cats are really very rewarding.  it's like, there may be some tenderness, but there's no meeting of the minds.  there's no psychic connection to all the inner pieces, all the dimensions that make you who you are.  the pets don't know you.  they need you, and you may even need them, but they don't know you, and can't validate or take interest in anything that moves you or drives you or is meaningful to you.  and this is how i feel about relationships with most people.  (yeah, i just compared the rest of the human species to dogs, wow).

well, can't continue this now...