so i'm giving this a try, this online therapy thing, which is a once-weekly half hour online video chat. it's not very long. they're not paying her very well from what she said. so i kind of think it's fair to expect that if she's not getting much pay, she's going to not be able to give as much to the process. i'm going to accept that. but i'm also going to acknowledge that she's asked me to journal for 15 min/day and to share a few of those per week, and this means she's actually going to be doing some stuff outside our video chat sessions that adds to the value. but it doesn't benefit me if i don't do the work.
actually i guess you could say that about any and all kinds of therapy or processes of self-improvement. you've got to do work. it's sometimes work that takes time, like this. that's the hardest kind of work to do right now. i am squeezing this in during her bath. she's singing now, but shortly ago called out for me to get her out. i told her to wait. we'll see. i may not even get the full fifteen minutes.
the hardest thing about parenting a very small child is, for me, the fragmenting of my attention. i think that A doesn't totally understand how easy it is for me to have my attention wander off already, without the addition of a child to the equation. and how hard that is for me. and how much it gets exacerbated by having a baby. it also feels so hard to commit to anything. i feel like our society expects us to be able and willing to still commit to things even when we have just had a child and it is our obligation to that child to be there for them. it's so messed up. i even judge myself against this, even though i don't agree with it, because you can't help but be affected by social norms and expectations. it's hard not to feel that you're not doing enough, or not doing it well, if you can genuinely find no spare time.
the thing that irks me is that people want to give advice to people who describe our challenges as we do, in terms of what we're not giving ourselves permission to do. that's just the thing though. i honestly can't do as much or be as available, as what she genuinely needs. i already give myself permission to walk away when she needs me, to leave her crying her head off while i complete something, or choose activities from time to time that favor our (the adults') fun over her getting to bed perfectly on time. i just can't do it perfectly. no one can. so i'm already giving myself permission to not be perfect. because there's no choice. but then from that point, do we do our best? i think so. that's what we do. we don't say, "oh, i am going to give myself permission to not do my best", no. it just doesn't work that way. i would never believe for a moment someone who loves their child isn't going to feel compelled to do their best. sometimes even my best isn't as good as what i wish for her. and in the context of all of that, i don't need advice about how i can do a little less for/with her. i am already aware of Winnicott's concept of the "good enough" parent. i'm also aware of the harms of parents who weren't quite. or my own parent. who tried her hardest. and still harmed me to where i am having a very hard life in many ways. sure, she enriched me in SO many ways, too. but i really think that i deserved not to be harmed in the way that i was, and i believe E deserves the same, and while that is unrelated to WHETHER i am capable of giving it to her, the fact is, i know that with the trauma i bring forward, it's going to be a challenge for me to be a good enough parent. my starting point is a lot farther from where some people's starting points are, because i have such a strong adrenaline response to so many things, and just such a strong response in general. i feel all of parenthood so incredibly intensely. it's all intense, the highs and the lows.
i don't need advice about how i can do less or try less hard or take more time for myself. it's something i was able to do more before the pandemic, and it's something i can do far less of now. that's just the way it is.
but even though i think i'm fairly well in acceptance of this fact, that doesn't mean it isn't hard. it doesn't mean i don't want to grieve, to some extent, that which i wish i had more of in my life, like creating things with my hands. i just don't understand the world very well when i'm not creating things. at least writing in a journal 15 min per day (on the days i can manage) is something along these lines, instead of nothing.
sometimes i fear, i fear so much, forgetting this entire early babyhood. my memory is a disaster with the sleep fragmentation. i have trouble understanding the world when i can't remember anything and i'm not making anything. i'm just spending all time in survival mode, just trying to avoid being flooded by adrenaline too often, and trying to manage it when i AM flooded, because the ache in my stomach and chest and throat and shoulders, it's just so much, and i just don't want to go through parenthood this way. and i want to remember all the things i so love about her. she's so amazing. like, i had no idea a child could be so precocious. i thought my parents were exaggerating about me. but if she's like i was, then i guess they weren't. it's so cool, the things she understands, and does, and says.
