well, this is certainly a different therapy experience than i've had before. in the past i am usually a bit meh about my therapists and don't feel they understand me (and probably don't really believe they care about me that much) and they don't feel like they're reaching into my life outside of the sessions. i never felt strongly compelled to get to therapy, and often felt like it was happening too often and it was hard to make it to sessions reliably, or even if i did make it, it felt burdensome.
now, here i am in therapy and i can't get enough. i'm getting insanely attached to my therapist. it's a bit confusing b/c what i just heard in my current audiobook yesterday about fragmented selves was saying that this excessive attachment, neediness, clinginess, almost obsession, it is a sign of a certain type of pathology and dysfunction. i just struggle to think of my connection to L as being made up only of trauma responses. it feels like it just cheapens the relationship. and what about from her perspective? i mean, what if you find yourself with a client who is really intensely "into" you but only for a spell when their dysfunction is being badly triggered, then all that intensity dies out, i mean, how does that affect a person?
she's a person, and this work is clearly meaningful to her, and she cares about me (in a way that it genuinely feels no therapist before has cared) and the way that i am, what i give, what i take, how i show up, all these many ways, can make my presence in her life be enriching or draining. she told me not to worry about her feelings, that i don't have to take care of her. but that just seems wrong to me. how can we be in a relationship and i don't need to demonstrate my caring by trying to be thoughtful about how my presence in her life is affecting her? i guess i just don't have any other template for a meaningful relationship and i'm not sure i want to. i don't want to settle into some sort of selfish and all-about-me way of interacting with anyone. plus, the longer i know her, the more it feels like i want this to be a real relationship, not just a therapy experience.
but i do also realize that this is connecting to all the feelings and memories i have around J (high school spanish teacher) because i keep thinking to myself, oh, it's like that, it's happening again. i spent a very long time in relationship to J where we had to maintain a relationship where we kept a careful distance, where she had to be somewhat "professional" b/c she was my teacher and i was a young kid (i didn't really realize just how young i was at the time, but, wow, i was really just such a baby)! and for a reasonably long time, she kept me at arm's length while extending as much kindness as she could that felt appropriate to the context. but then, in time, she started to realize i was a really remarkable person and i burst into her heart in this way that drew us close.
suddenly i wasn't just a needy little kid wanting my teacher's attention as i dealt with hard times. we were friends. we were such very close friends. and we learned so much from one another, it wasn't just one-way. it was such a very special friendship, and just transcended all the normal ideas about what human relationships look like. i don't think i've ever felt the same about my life since i lost her. it's hard to look back at my life and not wonder how i could just go and leave GA like that, and try to take some of the blame. but setting that aside, i think that at the time i just knew that this is what friendship can (and should) look like and anything short of that was cheap and hollow and shallow and pointless.
when you go through your life with so few people you genuinely connect with, with so few people who can see inside of you to all your nuances and really "get" what you're about, the need becomes that much more acute. i just keep thinking to myself, if people like this were easier to find, then the need on my end wouldn't be so, well... desperate. i walk around the world feeling desperate. lonely. like i'm another species and there just aren't that many others of my species. i try to explain to A why i don't feel that relationships with dogs and cats are really very rewarding. it's like, there may be some tenderness, but there's no meeting of the minds. there's no psychic connection to all the inner pieces, all the dimensions that make you who you are. the pets don't know you. they need you, and you may even need them, but they don't know you, and can't validate or take interest in anything that moves you or drives you or is meaningful to you. and this is how i feel about relationships with most people. (yeah, i just compared the rest of the human species to dogs, wow).
well, can't continue this now...
No comments:
Post a Comment