reviewing past journal entries, i noticed that i said that the hardest thing is the fragmenting of my attention. but then i went on to talk about how i don't have much time to do the things (aside from parenting) that i feel define me as a person. it's not even that i want to do things totally unrelated to parenting. it's that i want my unique skills and passions to be able to be brought to bear on the task of parenting. it means so much to me to be creative, to make things with my hands, to come up with ideas and make them turn into a real something in this world. i want to design her climbing structure for the living room, build it, and then watch her play with it. just the tiny craft of turning an old sling into a sensory swing in the living room, getting to use knots from the knot guide (buntline hitch and sheet bend - i finally got to use the sheet bend!!!), and then hanging it up and then seeing her play with and enjoy the swing so much, it's felt so good. it's really cool when i can say, hey, because of the person that i am and what i'm capable of doing, my child gets to have this experience.
every child is going to have different experiences based on their parents. parents who read a lot, who make things, often have kids who grow up and do those things, too. i love this. i don't think i fear that there won't come more opportunities later for her to know me as a person who can make or fix just about anything, and for her to learn this disposition to the world, that we are much more about creating than consuming. i know it will come. and maybe at times i get impatient. but it's been almost 2 years where it's just so hard to find time to do any project that's more than just a little bit involved unless we have help. so now with the pandemic, when we've decided based on our perceived risk factors that it's not the time to have her with a babysitter, this means i just have less opportunities than ever.
in some ways i like this journaling thing because i can set a timer for 15 minutes and you can produce a lot of words on the screen in this time, so it feels like you got a lot done, haha... i mean, this baby's brain is growing so fast, her development is just absolutely explosive in speed at this early age, i know i'm getting a LOT done, a lot MORE done, by parenting her, than anything else. i know this. but it still takes its toll when the things that are unique to you as a person are unable to be experienced. i bet there are all kinds of people whose careers, like musicians who go on tour, who are feeling this way during the pandemic. i think about J whose nail salon opened up recently and now has been closed all this time. was she renting that space? will she lose it? will she have to start over? how will this affect her financially? i'm far from the only person struggling right now. and while that doesn't change what i am personally experiencing, it can be easy to let my brain drift and think well, it's not as bad as what all these other people are going through, so i shouldn't complain.
i guess i'm not complaining, i'm just thinking about what is hard for me right now, because understanding that, and being self-reflective, and trying to be more self-aware, will make me a better parent and partner. right? so it's not self-indulgent to think about and grieve the things that are hard for me just because other people are going through things that are not only harder for them but would also be harder for me than what i'm experiencing right now.
i guess part of the question is, do i NEED to find a way to prioritize doing more making, or do i just find a way to be patient and accept that this will take time? i sometimes feel like maybe we need to prioritize only doing konmari right now, and then once the house is properly organized, THEN everything we want to do will be be possible / easier. so hard to know what to do. it's hard enough making time for journaling! (sometimes, remembering to do it)... i'm kind of at the point where i want to ask myself, if i prioritize organizing the house, because this is a totally boring task that i would literally rather do ANYTHING OTHER THAN, will the accomplishment, and what it facilitates about living here, be worth it, will it be rewarding enough to compensate for what's hard about it? will it be nice to kind of rip the bandaid off and get it over with? that's what i'm hoping, i think. guess i need to chat with A about this.
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