grappling with inner children

it seems like i should be reassured by the fact that there are actually all these inner children / inner selves inside of me, that are responsible for all the more challenging things i experience on an ongoing basis.  they're the ones that are stuck, sad, confused, broken, crying out for healing, and i'm supposed to be able to muster compassion for them and then they heal.  or whatever.

but why do i just get the sneaking suspicion that i already have tons of empathy and compassion for them, to the point it will be hard to have any more?

i used to have this theory (and i still believe it) that no one does anything they think is wrong.  they do things that they think others believe to be wrong, but that they, for one reason or another, believed was okay to do.  even if they don't like the outcome, like, let's say, it hurt someone they care about.  they still believed that it was the thing to do, and just feel sad about it later.  we can look at it in terms of impulsivity, perhaps, like, someone is driven to take quick action and at that moment in time they are not aware of or just not thinking about the full range of consequences of said action.  but then, that's acting from a place of (albeit temporary, perhaps state-induced) ignorance.

i think that this can mesh with Lieberman's theory that our self concept is really just built out of what we believe others believe about us.  so, we may not think what we did was wrong, but we know others do, so then we feel shame, and it feels like we think it about ourselves, that we think we were wrong.  but i just don't think you can bring yourself to take action if you think it was wrong.

i think that this ties into this idea of having compassion for my inner children.  a lot of the literature is trying to convince me i need to have more empathy for the inner selves.  and if i do that, if i can think differently about them, i will treat them better, help them meet their needs in a healthy and constructive way that doesn't damage the rest of me, and then presto blammo like magic i am healed.  i'm being a bit snarky, perhaps, b/c clearly there's no literature that pretends trauma healing is quick or easy or simple.

but it's just hard for me to feel that i need to be convinced to think more highly of myself.  i do think so highly of myself.  i think i have a pretty reasonable self-image.  i really, really do.  i mean, i don't even feel i blame myself for my shortcomings.  i can see the threads that trace back to causality (as i understand it, limited though that may be) and i can see, oh, right, this is how we get here.  it makes sense.  having lived my life as i have, i know very well that i have put my best efforts and energy to the task of being and becoming, and this is what i managed.  there's very little value in thinking, oh, if only i'd tried harder.  what's the point of that kind of thinking?  i mean, i was trying my best.  and when it wasn't *technically* my best, that was because i didn't have more energy to muster.  it's like, sure, we can sprint really fast, but if you're running a marathon, there's no criticism to be had that you didn't sprint the whole way.  or even if, during the inevitable exhaustion of the marathon, you had an area where you might have benefited from sprinting but found yourself too exhausted to do so.  you weren't running at 100% of your top speed, but you can't always.  at that moment, 40% of your potential may be what you're capable of.  at that moment, that is your best.

there are other ways that, when i think about myself, maybe simple due to familiarity, i think the way that i am is the best.  i sometimes see my hands in photographs and i think, wow, my hands are so graceful and attractive looking.  i don't even think, based on most of what i see of what is chosen when hands are featured in ads and whatnot, that my hands fit any kind of social stereotypes for ideal hands.  but when i see my hands, i feel such a warmth and happiness and appreciation of them.  when i see my hands as i interact with E in videos, i think, wow, how lucky my child is to have those hands be the hands that interact with her.  i mean, this is just one tiny example.

it's this way, though perhaps to a lesser extent, with the way my brain works.  i'll be sitting in class or in whatever situation, and i can just tell that my ability to think creatively and divergently is just always present.  i don't know how i can be the only one at times with such thoughts.  i can see, okay, wow, i have these tremendous strengths.  and i see them as strengths.  i really impress myself at times (when i'm not comparing myself unfavorably to others, of course) and this isn't one of those things i'm especially self-conscious about.  i have so much confidence in the power of my brain.  it is just so reliable at what it does.  but here's where i guess i think the problems come in.  no one seems to enjoy my talents.  it's like, i might be a person who can think of all these great rebuttals during a philosophy class, to whatever the professor is talking about.  but while half the class seems to be interested only in memorizing the material for the upcoming tests, i am deeply fascinated with the process of thinking about all of it, and turning it around in my mind to find holes and points for tangents.  i find the process enjoyable and exhilarating.  i feel like i'm in my element.  that fun seems to be the very reason that the stuff was thought up and written about in the first place.  and now i'm engaging in that very same way, picking up the thread they laid down, and isn't this what it's all about?  but it's almost like, as i get sucked into that enjoyment, others around me are not simultaneously being sucked in.  they aren't joining me.  they're like, meh.  and so while i can recognize it as a superpower, it doesn't also feel valued by others.

so then the question is, well, if others don't value it, and i've felt this throughout my whole life, does this diminish my own ability to value it in myself?  i'm not sure it has had that effect.  it's almost like the compulsion to use and stretch and maneuver my brain is just way too powerful, too incredibly motivating.  concepts like completion and mastery motivation really connect for me.  i really do enjoy this way of using my brain far too much for it to be vulnerable to others' opinions.  of course, i supposed that the insidious effects CAN be that at a certain point, people can seem to think this is arrogance, and want to take me down a notch, and then they want to really reiterate to me that i'm not the smartest person in the world.  like a superpower is only a superpower if there's no one else with a stronger superpower?  what?  that's not how it works.  the world seriously needs all of our superpowers.  if on the 5 levels of giftedness, i am right on the cusp of 4 and 5 (which is my best guess), then the brain talents that belong to all of those in the long tail of the 5s, well, they're not just off the charts relative to average, they're still off the charts relative to me.  that's pretty amazing.  i mean, i will never be like that.  that's fine.  i don't need to be what they are.  i am what i am.  and what i am is already pretty amazing in its own way.  just like i don't think that people who are closer to average are lacking in amazingness.  i mean, i think the entirety of the animal kingdom is amazing.  human beings are amazingly complicated.  all of us.  no matter where on the bell curve we fall.  but i suppose it can be easy to, at times, internalize the messages of those who are just intent on taking a person like me down a notch, and i can definitely become preoccupied with what i'm NOT capable of, instead of just using what i AM capable of as a great starting point for what's next.

but i still don't think that means that i fail to value what i have.  in some ways, that can even intensify my valuing of it.  like when a resource suddenly appears far more scarce than you'd previously realized or thought of it, and now you treasure it and protect it.

i'm sort of wondering, does the stuff Lieberman says about the MPFC, does giftedness affect that stuff?  do gifted people have a better resistance to some forms of internalization of others' values?  or, whoa, what if we are more prone to internalizing values of those more gifted than we are (at whatever thing it may be) but when it comes to emotions, just raw emotions, those can come from any direction, even those less gifted, because they are not something that is limited or diminished in gifted people, but actually enhanced?  i don't feel like i'm articulating my thought here very well.  i'm wondering if maybe the sense of rejection is felt more keenly, but the determination to appreciate one's brain is simultaneously enhanced?  so as a gifted person is continually pushed toward ever greater love for and appreciation of their brainpower and talents, then the emotional stuff, the rejection in the face of it, is felt ever more keenly?

and what is this thing where gifted people feel emotions so much more strongly?  it can seem so unfair!  i wonder if people with far lesser giftedness actually have easier, mellower lives, and therefore they can be more inadvertently cruel b/c the things they share are not meant to wound so deep b/c they can't conceive of how deeply they can be wounded?  it makes me think, whoa, what if we actually secretly coexist with all kinds of life forms that are actually significantly more advanced than us, maybe some animals are (and we don't know it) and maybe some very tiny things are (but we have no way to detect this is so, or maybe even to detect their presence at all?) and if we are too flippant and careless and they're being deeply wounded.  what about all those little protoconsciousness particles that are like little fairy spirits that people think you commune with when your brain is exposed to DMT?  what if they're the ones who are offended?  this is crazy talk, perhaps, but maybe less something i think is factually true than something i could see being an interesting storyline added to my evolution / DNA sci-fi story idea.

so many thoughts around all of this.  i just didn't realize until so very recently just how important the giftedness stuff really was, or how much it played into my experiences in and of the world.  and so now i just keep finding myself wanting to figure out all the missed connections, all the lines i never drew.  well, i better go return to parenting.