ok, writing on the following question for 40 min:
has there been anything in your life today or recently that are powerless over—that when you try to control it, your life starts to feel unmanageable?

(note: some of the 40 minutes is being consumed by re-reading what i previously wrote, in preparation. i have a bit of a cramped schedule for the rest of the evening, so it's 40 min for the whole activity.)

ok, down to 33 min, but here goes... so i'm going to revisit the evening last thursday when i went grocery shopping. living on the hill like we do, it's a pain in the ass carrying groceries up the steps and into the house. i'm always perfectly happy to put all the groceries away, but there's kind of this unspoken agreement that neither of us would ever expect the other to carry in groceries on their own. blech. so, it was thursday of last week, A-'s only night off. and she spent it hanging out with D-. now, D-'s an alright person on the whole. interesting and smart, at least. but really, really negative. and mean. well, at the very least, he's got a mean-spirited sense of humor. so even when he's not being what i think is rude or unpleasant toward me or someone present, he's commenting in a mean way about people off in the distance or something on TV. sometimes it's hilarious, in a larry david, cynical and superior sort of way. but i guess i feel like there's a difference between that being a mode we can go into sometimes and being the way we are all the time. and (especially lately) it seems like that's D-'s only mode.

i like to be inclusive, so of course D- is always invited to everything. but sometimes when he joins us, he feels like he has the right to be some sort of overseer where he evaluates the way things are going and how he doesn't like them. like the time i had JUST dusted the whole house, then vacuumed the floors AND mopped AND got down on my hands & knees and cleaned all the little crevices with a wet rag. he wanted to see our dogs out back, but it was raining and muddy, and they run around and get super muddy paws. he asked if he could let them in. i said no, for obvious reasons. he asked if he could instead just stand at the back door with it slightly ajar and pet them. but the little one always rushes in when you do that, and (the door opens in) the big one stomps her muddy footprints all over the floor right there. it was one of the areas i'd especially focused on with the wet rag, b/c normal floor cleaning often leaves that area still fairly dirty. so i said no, i'd rather he not. and he says to me (and i don't remember the exact words), "you know, the way you host events at your house makes it no fun, and it makes people not want to come back." i mean, the ridiculous thing about how it really bugged me is that i know he's exaggerating, and mostly did it out of anger (he has anger management issues, and often retorts much more harshly than he intends to). but when i stop letting it bother me for fear that he's right, it still reminds me why *i* don't like to be around *him*&151;he makes me feel icky.

so, when A-'s hanging out with him, just the two of them, it often kind of gives me a negative feeling. if it were totally up to me, she would spend her free time with someone else. not necessarily every time with someone else. but it seems like ALL her free time, she makes time to hang out with HIM. it's not totally arbitrary. they went to grad school together. they were best friends for a long time, when they were much, much younger. it's one of those friendships that, because it's been around for so long, you almost kinda take for granted that it must be. if i had to guess, i doubt A- would have connected with him at all if she'd met him for the first time in recent years. then again, for all i know, maybe the same would be true of me! :o anyhow, not only do i not necessarily like the *idea* of her hanging out with him, she's often a much less likable person when she first returns from hanging out with him. not always. but sometimes. it's like some of his personality bleeds onto her. she's more likely to be short with me, mean or condescending, things like that. and then in addition to all this, i feel like D- doesn't respect my time at all. like, if he says he's going to drop her off at 7pm, she's just as likely to be home at 11pm as at 8pm. of course, 7pm is out of the question. it's not even like he has a problem with promptness. he is absolutely unforgiving about other people being late to meet him, and at least on that count, he is not a hypocrite. he's there on time if he says he's going to be. and i have trouble with that (but i've gotten *significantly* better about it in years past). but when it comes to something where A- and i plan to spend time together after he's hanging out with her, it seems like neither of them make an effort to get her back at the time they said she'd be back. i'd blame it on A-, but when she's not driving, and she doesn't do this with pretty much any other situations, it seems like it's his fault. even if it's not, it's when she hangs out with him that this happens, so i don't like it. along with the other reasons i mentioned.

so, back to the grocery store. there i am, shopping, and really hoping she will home in time to help me with the groceries. i mean, she's got to work the following day, and she's usually pretty serious about making sure she gets enough sleep. and i'm at the grocery store late, after the codependency group at GAADS, which i left at 9pm. so there's a *really* good chance already she will be home in time to help me carry in the groceries. especially since i'm such a slow shopper. in fact, i can at least count grocery shopping as an activity performed with the slightest bit of movement, and on my feet, as opposed to sitting, which is how i spend far too much of my time currently. so dawdling and pondering everything on every aisle is fine with me. but as it's getting to about 10:30, i text her to see if she'll be home soon, and she just says, "i don't know what time i'll be home". i find myself feeling really irritated by this. so i text right back and explain i'm grocery shopping and i'm getting a ton of groceries, and i'd really like her help carrying them in. she texts back and says, she's glad to help, but just park in the driveway till she gets home. i can't because it would be pretty impossible to fish out just the cold items (and our driveway is almost too steep to stand in, so it makes it truly impossible to carry a load out of the car from), and i say so in another text, in which i also inform her i'm just going to dawdle even more, to make sure she beats me home. so now, suddenly, i'm pacing the grocery store, feeling like i'm not going to be able to actually find enough more legitimate shopping activities to fill the rest of the time i'll need to stall to get home after her. so basically i spent the next 15 minutes totally stressed out and annoyed. when i could have just accepted that i'd rather dawdle some more at the store than carry in the groceries by myself, OR just gone home and carried them in by myself.

(timer! ok, i'm going to wrap it up as quickly as i can...)

if i could have just been like, well, this is the way it is, and not agonized over the state of affairs, i'm certain the physical strain of actually carrying in all the groceries would be nowhere near the self-inflicted suffering of being all annoyed. so the thing i'd say i was trying to control was whether or not i had to carry in the groceries by myself, to the point where that was the primary thing i was focused on, and it made me miserable as a result, magnified, of course, by all the other emotions lurking in me about D-. she did eventually text and say they were on their way. and it ended up being roughly the same time as i was truly out of things to shop for. so i came home and she helped me with the groceries, and it was fine. and actually, she was perfectly nice and sweet, and not at all acting mean or bitchy, despite having been hanging out with D-. and when i relayed the story of how i had to check out in the only available line, with a ton of people lined up behind me with a couple items each, we laughed our heads off, and i felt totally connected and close to her. so obviously i was being totally ridiculous. but what's unclear to me is whether, if i'd gone home sooner, and done the groceries on my own, i'd have felt resentful about it, or if i'd have subsequently felt annoyed at the unpredictability of the time she'd be home. i suspect that, yes, i would have, both things. so the groceries thing is in some ways a bit arbitrary. but it's clear that when i'm sitting around wishing she'd do something different than what she's doing, i just make myself miserable. i've learned that the best way to deal with this is to distract myself. so, on that count, at least grocery shopping was a wise choice overall. it's such a practical affair that it's totally distracting. but then there's part of me that feels grumpy that i have this thing in my life (A- hanging out with D-) that i have to find ways to distract myself from. it feels forced and artificial and unfair. ugh. and i guess there's some part of me that still hopes that some day she'll spend more of her time with our sweet and kind and loving and thoughtful friends. it doesn't consume that much of my attention, but when she's hanging out with him, it definitely does. not sure if i've come to any real conclusions here. at least i typed this all up. i have a feeling i'll learn more when i go back and re-read this than i'm learning at this very moment. i think because i'm feeling all emotionally blocked and icky by even having to spend energy thinking and talking about this. i don't think this puts me in my best contemplative or reflective state! :P