why i feel that venturing into the world to find myself a career is going to be very difficult and why i am so discouraged, in 500 words or less (yeah right):

(1) i'm a space cadet, like some sort of eternal stoner, with selective and unpredictable short-term memory, which people don't (and won't) believe about me due to the fact that i have an uncanny memory for myriad details from information (visual and otherwise) which i've absorbed long ago. 

(2) partially due to #1, and partially due to other factors, i'm not good at being on time, and i personally think it's bullshit to have to leave 2 hrs early to get somewhere that usually takes 35 minutes to get to just because of the occasional traffic situation (or weather, or forgetting you were out of gas) that means that occasionally you'll be insanely late if you give yourself just 5-10 minutes of buffer. you're not getting paid for that time, and it's bullshit. i cannot be happy in a situation where i have to prepare like this.  if my job is 35 minutes away, i think i should be able to leave 45 minutes before i have to be there, and on the occasions that i'm late, well, that's just the unpredictability of this world.  but my mail better arrive quickly, dammit!!!

(3) i grow quickly bored working on the same thing over and over and over again, unless it's something like sweeping the floor, which i find somewhat relaxing and soothing. but i don't want a repetitive job in the long run, obviously, so i certainly don't want to look at any janitorial positions at the moment.  once i'm getting a paycheck, i'm hesitant to disturb my life's balance, and don't like spending my limited spare time searching for yet another job.  so why waste time at a menial job now?  and why get excited about a high-profile job that amounts to little more?

(4) i have trouble waking up in the morning, and i sleep horribly almost every night. so even if i do get up before my morning NPR news alarm stops going, i am likely to be extremely tired and unproductive on random days.  it's not predictable.  some days i wake up feeling fine.  some days i feel tired and just fantasize all day about napping on a giant pillow in a warm patch of sun with a slight breeze to keep me from overheating.  ::sigh::  and sometimes, even when i do feel plenty rested, by the time my night of sleep is over, i've incurred all variety of muscle injuries.  usually my neck or shoulders.  occasionally a limb.  and no, i'm not old enough for this to be normal.  i'm still a few years from 30.  sheesh.

(5) i hate getting onto/into my bike/car and leaving the house. i hate leaving. i hate moving. i hate relocating. even at the end of a long work day, i find it hard to leave, just because of this weird aversion to moving. especially if i have to move from something sorta still and ordinary into something infuriating like traffic.  in fact, if i'm sitting at my desk, i will avoid getting up to pee just because i don't want to move.  i think it's some sort of psychological ailment that hasn't been named yet.  but whatever it is, i've got it.

(6) even though there are plenty of redeeming factors about me, i don't know how to conjure them up well enough to feel confident putting together a resume, cover letter, website, portfolio. so far, all my attempts fall through the cracks and ultimately fail. so even though i know that if people really knew my breadth of knowledge and my passion and interest in learning new things and my amazing ability to retain tons of trivia and relevant facts to processes and materials, they'd want to hire me, i know that in a lot of cases, they're going to hire someone i could run circles around, just because they presented themselves in a certain way that i didn't do when i tried to market myself.  yes, i have a healthy ego.  but i hate trying to sell myself.  i want someone to just snatch me up and say, "hey, you, get over here.  you're perfect for this job!"

(7) i can't work at any job where i have to have all my clothes pressed each day for work. or wear white that has to always be clean (like fine dining) because i've tried it, and it's always been a miserable failure. no matter how slick of attire i'm in, i dirty it, i wrinkle it, i stain it, i stretch it, i lose buttons, i look unkempt very shortly.  and i sweat like a damn pig.  i use the strongest antiperspirant, and it still doesn't help.  in fact, did you know that the aluminum compounds in the antiperspirant (plus the heat in your armpits) helps set stains into your clothing?  so if your sweat is a slightly yellowish brownish color (and it is; everyone's is), then eventually, your sweat will be just as set into the armpits of your shirts as the fabric dye the manufacturer used. so i really have to work at a job which allows casual attire, unless i can afford to buy a whole new wardrobe, and then to replace any items i soil. and with my fluctuating weight, that seems a bad idea anyhow. i should feel certain i'm stabilized on my weight before i make any serious clothing purchases.  but getting up to exercise in the morning is so hard (see #4).  but it's the only time of day when exercising is a good idea for me, because it's nice and cool and i hate sweating profusely and feeling overheated, so morning is ideal.  evenings aren't because then i'm wired before bed.  bad idea, again, because [see #4].

(8) i'm exceptionally sensitive. i'm easily hurt by negative comments or just outright rude people. after working at any job that involves dealing with a hoity-toity (sp? anyone?) customer base day in and day out, the entitled sort, it drains my spirit. just their attitudes make me feel like the life's been sucked out of me. in the sort of cut-throat environment where people are competing instead of collaborating, i can easily be pushed to become competitive, but when i don't succeed, i am devastated, and when i do, i still get these icky feelings inside, because it's so much more fulfilling to be in a collaborative & encouraging environment. like being in an art class. everyone is so encouraging and interested in each other's work, and fascinated by the many different ways that individuals choose to interpret an assignment, or sketch a pose. that's enriching. some workplaces just don't have that enriching quality, and why bother making art for a living if it's going to be a drag?  might as well drag a broom across the floor.  at least that's relaxing, and i can wear headphones and listen to NPR all day.

(9) everyone always says you need to know exactly what you want to do, otherwise how can you seek it out? this is valid only to a point, so it's a flawed assumption. first of all, if you have one goal, and you don't succeed, well, you're going to be really upset. if you're flexible enough that you know you could be happy and successful in a number of different jobs, why not keep your options open? anyway, i'm constantly hearing about people who entered into some strange job you've never heard of that is really cool only by chance, and they're super happy about the random route they took to get there. i just want to sort of look around and find stuff that matches my skillset and interests and then make sure i'm working with people that i like, and that i think the line of work and the company is ethical (not violating human rights, and working toward sustainability and local sourcing of materials whenever possible). there aren't job search engines which really take these factors into account. it's all so specialized and specific, and i'm a generalist. and a damn good one, if i do say so myself. and being specialized in one thing forever would be so boring. bleh.